I have had better weeks. It began poorly when my advice to DC on Fiddle-Gate turned out to be at odds with both country and commentariat. If the only people weighing in behind you are Stephen Fry twittering about the bourgeoisie and David Aaronovitch quoting Macaulay, then it’s odds-on that you’ve misjudged the mood of the nation. We here at the Tories are keen to be inclusive, but I fear there is not enough canvas in the country for a tent capable of including that pair. And as David has always judged people more by their friends than by their principles, I am doubly suspect.
Matters grew worse when the Times published an 18-page photo essay on the “next prime minister”. This was notable in that, to fill the space, the paper allowed the snapper to publish any thoughts that may have been going through his head as he took his photos, not an experiment I imagine the Thunderer will be keen to repeat. DC, however, zoned in on the following passage: “One of his friends has described him brilliantly as ‘Alec Douglas-Home goes to the Glastonbury Festival’.”
I denied everything, of course, but found it very hard to come up with anyone else who might be considered a friend and be capable of such brilliance. In desperation, I found myself, as I often do these days, saying simply: “Gove.” “Gove isn’t a friend,” spat back David, “Gove is Gove.”
The atmosphere was so strained that I found myself instinctively reminiscing about happier times. I may have mentioned our prep school, Heatherdown, and haring around Outer Field with me in the Richard Burton role (Major Smith) and Dave as Clint Eastwood (Lieutenant Schaffer), the cricket pavilion serving as the fortress in the Alps which is the HQ for the German secret service. “I think we may have outgrown Guns of Navarone by now, Gideon,” he said curtly. “Actually, Dave,” I replied, “I was talking about Where Eagles Dare.
But, don’t worry, they’re easily confused . . .”
“Excuse me, Donald,” he cut in, “but I have PMQs to prepare for.”
The callous use of the surname was the giveaway. We parted on bad terms and have not spoken since. I did not even ring him to critique his performance on Tuesday’s Today programme and his asinine claim (probably one of Coulson’s) that “sunlight is the best disinfectant”.
Fortunately, I know more than one Cameron, having been close to Alex ever since I was Ariel to his Prospero in the school play. A word from Alex goes a long way with Cameron-mi, who is in awe of his elder brother’s intellect, talent, looks, clubability, charm . . . It is time for, if you will, Ice-Cold in Alex.
By the way, my take on Fiddle-Gate will in the long term almost certainly prove to be vindicated. As important as the size of the majority we secure in parliament is the make-up of the parliament over which we preside. And I cannot be alone in thinking that a House of Commons which includes Esther Rantzen, Toby Young and Tony Blackburn will be seen as a severely devalued institution.
Sometimes you should be wary of throwing away the claimed-on-expenses duck with the bathwater.
