Dr Quack's miracle climate remedies
Roll up, roll up to hear some global warming solutions
Sometimes it feels like a trade fair here in Bali what with the dozens of stalls lining the corridors of the convention centre. And it looks like Dr Quack has driven his cart all the way to Bali to peddle his miracle climate change cures…
'Do you suffer from excess emissions that make life a misery for people around you? Then fear not, Dr Quack’s patented miracle remedies© are what you need. Specially formulated to help deal with the problem* without having to alter your day-to-day lifestyle one bit!
Why not try Dr Quack’s ‘new-clear’ high-energy food. It’s totally safe and virtually emission free**.
Or why not let mother-nature do her good work by sampling Dr Quack’s ‘bio-food’. Made entirely from one hundred per cent natural ingredients that soak-up your excess emissions while they are growing***. It’s so simple its brilliant!
Or if these remedies aren’t to your taste, how about Dr Quack’s brand new emissions ‘collection, reposition and safe storage’ (CRASS) system. That’s right folks, I’ll capture your excess gases and store them in an air tight container. Forever. No leakage. Product comes with guarantee****.”
So there it is, the nuclear industry, biofuels and ‘carbon-capture and storage’ folks are all here peddling their wares as ‘solutions’ to climate change. Oh no... I think... I’ve... got... stomach-ache.
* Disclaimer: Dr Quack accepts no liability in relation to the ultimate effectiveness of his remedies. Any further correspondence on this matter should be directed at his solicitor, Mr C. Carcharias. Amity Island, USA.
** Disclaimer: Mining of source material not included in emissions calculations. Please note, the purchaser of this product is under strict obligation to develop safe and secure facilities to store the highly toxic by-products created when using Dr Quack’s ‘new-clear’ technology. Digging a hole deep underground near a poor community desperate for jobs is recommended.
*** Disclaimer: In order to avoid metabolic malfunction, ‘bio-food’ must be mixed with high-emissions food. Dr Quack accepts no responsibility for the working practices, deforestation or peat bog destruction caused by his suppliers in the Orient.
**** Disclaimer: This guarantee does not cover the eternity for which the gases must be stored to avoid adverse effects on others.