I’ve received a letter from man who is so upset he comes across as somewhat inarticulate.
Dear Marina
I’m feeling kinda depressed. Owing to my daddy owning loads of oil wells and us being rich folk an’ all, that made us popular with millions of people at home and abroad which is a place not in America.
But my best friend Don has ruined that. He got aggressive with the foreigners who live at abroad and no one likes me any more. He says it’s a known known it’s all my fault. He says I don’t know nothing and that’s a known known too.
Now I’m not sure I know what a known known is. I guess you might say it’s an unknown known as far as I’m concernable. Now he’s taken his chainsaw home and won’t play with me any more and everyone else is ganging up and blaming me for the weather and everything. It’s not fair. I’m outta friends. What can I do?
Love George, Texas
Well George, however tempted, resist the urge to reach for the bottle and the Columbian marching powder. The feeling of confidence it may bring is, as you well know, a false one.
Instead I suggest you hold up your hands, admit guilt, take the rap and retire to improve your golf swing. But not in Florida. No George, I think a mountain hideaway in Tora Bora is more for you. You’d find like-minded people of faith to hang with.
Dear Marina
My eight-year-old daughter has been diagnosed as obese. I blame exposure to TV ads for junk food. What do you think?
Yours sincerely, Valerie Tubbs
With all due respect Mrs T, it’s not the amount of TV ads your daughter watches, it’s the amount of food going into her mouth. Energy in, energy out, isn’t that what they say Mrs T?
And let’s face it: unless your girl gets a fat wedge for pocket money I assume it’s you falling for the advertising, or at least her pester power.
I know the government is keen to lay blame on the advertisers. But if they follow that thought through, they need to address McDonalds sponsoring the Football Association which means you can’t even attend an under-nines match without being subjected to the Golden Arches logo. The government could also insist kids attend their nearest school which they could then walk to.
In the meantime, buy that child a skipping rope and drive by rather than through those fast food outlets.
Dear Marina
Having turned down the thermostat a couple of degrees, I’m concerned the chill in my bedroom could put a freeze on my sex life. I wondered: are bed warmers sexy?
Ms A Hughes
Yes, bed warmers can be incredibly sexy and have a tremendous role to play in combating climate chaos. My current favourite is a five foot ten axe-wielding anarchist: fantastic with his chopper (wood burning stoves are virtually carbon neutral) and hot, hot, hot in the bedroom department. There’s not much energy conservation but my heating bills are down and that has to be a good thing.
A rubberised hot water bottle of the sort sold down your average high street, while devoid of such animal magnetism, is still sexier than bed socks, which, like hair shirts must be resisted. Instead try silk pyjamas. They trap body heat and could dovetail nicely with the acquisition of a red blooded bed warmer to call your own.
Email Marina with your problems at askmarina@newstatesman.co.uk
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