The NS Competition: No 4156

No 4156 Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for messages of solace to anyone, real or imaginary, for the hurts they labour under.

This week's winners
We've been getting letters of complaint that the same names crop up too often. Sorry, darlings, but that's your fault! Write out “I must do better" 100 times. This week's winners get £30 each and the Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to David Silverman. Finally, Happy Christmas to all those who have entered the comp this year and a very fun-filled New Year.

Mr clegg i here yo're suffering pane and unhapiness cos students ar revolting (tho not so revolting as latin masters sa Peason ha-ha) Cheer up, you hav no caus for regret, wizard wheeze to finish off further edukation, 3 cheers i sa. Fotherington-Tomas is blubbing like a gurl cos he sees his future fading; a lifetime of debt or sa goodby to dreams of leafey college quods chiz. Everyone kno he is uterly wet and deserve no better. Pater sa you hav brok your pleges ect. but don't let it cause you greif: et tu brutus as Caesar sa. His best frend stabbd him in the back, so why feel bad about a few weedy voters? you hav brougt infinit joy to Molesworth's life. Hurrah!
Sylvia Fairley

Mr Eno, it must be terrible being a musician who can't play an instrument. Where Bowie and Bono could strum tunes, you could only randomly twiddle knobs, looking sage. You were incredibly brave, changing the definition of music to encompass your inability to perform it. Where others discerned only the wailing of backfiring vacuum cleaners, you heard art rock. What others mistook for hissings and drips from a malfunctioning cistern, you identified as ambient music. To everything you do, you bring an indefinable something, as Damien Hirst presumably does to the installations he doesn't instal. Nature blessed you with compensating talents; the ability to explain obliquely and obfuscate clearly. Your music is art without craft as your Liberal Democracy is politics without principle.
Adrian Fry

Commiserations, Mother Russia. It's difficult to see what else you could do to lose this bid. You'd easily the worst technical and commercial bid, yet it seems that's not enough. Your prime minister stayed away; you attempted to bribe the judges; the WikiLeaks timing and "Mafia State" tagline were inspired. Nevertheless, sadly, outwitted by Spain and even England, you've failed to prevent this decadent, capitalist, merchandising junk-fest trashing the streets of your proud nation. But take comfort, comrades. After the clean-up, when the last vodka-soused England fan has been released from the gulag and the last priceless imperial Fabergé egg is recovered from a Liverpool mantelpiece by the FSB or bought back on eBay, your great cities will sparkle brighter than ever.
David Silverman

The next challenge
No 4159 Set by Ian Birchall

Highly paid people often justify their wealth by saying they "work very hard", without mentioning what it is that they do. We would like an account of a highly paid person who works very hard at something totally useless. No bankers, please!

Max 125 words by 6 January

In association with Tesco