Scene 1: Tony’s flat. Before he can be baptised he must make his first confession. He kneels before Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor.

Cardinal: My child, I am ready to grant you absolution. But 20 minutes have passed and you have not confessed a thing.

Tony: I'm still thinking.

Cardinal: If your sins are so awful that you tremble before them, remember the Lord's mercy is infinite.

Tony: No, I just [...]

Scene 1: Brussels. Peter Mandelson’s office. Tony arrives to find suntanned Mandy relaxing in a whirlpool bath, holding a Bombay Sapphire in one hand and a copy of the new EU treaty in the other.

Mandy: Hi, Tony.

Tony: Hi, Peter. Lovely pad.

Mandy: Welcome to the new slimline Europe, eh? Pour yourself a cocktail and pull up a Mies van der Rohe.

He indicates a complicated chair. Tony sits.

Scene 1: The Blairs' flat. Cherie is at her dressing table applying make-up. Gordon trots in with little John.

John: Hello, Auntie Cherie.

Cherie: What do you two want?

Gordon: Lovely morning. Looking beautiful, as ever, Cherie.

Cherie: Cut the smarm. You're after something.

Gordon: As a matter of fact we're raising money for Africa.

Cherie: Oh, not again. Will that place ever stop bleeding us white? Put me down [...]

The G8 summit. Tony sits with his headphones on, pretending to look interested in Angela Merkel's opening statement. George Bush is beside him, thumb in mouth, gently snoring.

Merkel: Welcome to Germany and we'll start the G8 in traditional fashion. The opening session will begin when the first plastic bullet is fired.

Pause.

Far off, several loud pops are heard followed by the cries of protesters being shot at and [...]

Scene 1: The Blairs' flat. Tony and Cherie are going through proof copies of Alastair Campbell's The Blair Years, cutting out numerous indiscretions. They've been at it all morning. Both lay aside their pencils, exhausted.

Tony: Phew! Well, I've done my 300 pages.

Cherie: And I've done mine.

Tony: How much swearing did he give us in your bit?

Cherie: I lost count after 100 f**ks, two dozen w***ers and [...]

The Blairs' flat. Cherie is outlining her future plans to Carole.

Cherie: Posh and Becks have invited us to their place in LA. They know all the people from Hollywood so I'm going to get Quentin Tarantino to direct my aerobics video.

Carole: Quentin Tarantino?

Cherie: Yeah. Just like Kill Bill but without the fake blood.

Carole: And what's Tony got planned?

Cherie: Not sure yet. The vacancy at the [...]

Scene 1: The Treasury. Gordon is musing on the shape of his government.

Gordon: Mustn't forget Kylie, of course. Dear, sweet, brave little Kylie. Got to squeeze her somewhere. I mean squeeze her in somewhere. [Beat] Got it! Lady Minogue! Chief whip in the House of Lords – and roving minister for pert little bottoms. Ooh yes, I like that! Stop it, Gordon.

There's a knock at the door. Enter [...]

Scene 1: Downing Street. Tony is posing for his official photograph. Gordon enters.

Tony: Ah! My political soulmate. Hello!

Gordon: Hello there, old ally. You're looking very distinguished today.

Tony: Thank you. And what a typically good-natured remark.

Gordon: Well, it comes from the heart, treasured friend and colleague. Now, I'll have to decide whereabouts on the stairs to place this photograph of yours.

Tony: Ooh, between Churchill and Thatcher [...]

Scene 1: Tony is logged on to the No 10 website. He’s typing in softball questions.

[Types] Dear Tony, what's your greatest achievement in power?

AB, London

Good question, AB. Of course it's not about what I've achieved so much as what Labour has achieved under me. That's an important distinction. I'd never accept the credit for other people's work. Take inflation, standing at 3 per cent and rising. That's [...]

Scene 1: David Miliband is typing his weekly blog.

Hello everyone. Gosh it's been a busy week. I've been reading a v. disturbing article in End of the Planet Monthly - a magazine all about how the human race is killing the world - and I learned that breathing in and out puts 67mg of CO2 into the atmosphere per minute. That much! I was horrified. I immediately vowed to [...]