Well, it’s been fun. But this fortnightly account of a renowned homosexual’s comings and goings must end here, it seems.

I've had the "Dear John" email and security are standing by, even as I write, to make sure that I clear my desk out the moment this final column is filed. Apparently, they're armed with Mace and a colour photograph of John Barrowman in case I turn nasty, which [...]

If I told you I had a lovely time with three builders on a building site in Margate this week, you’d probably imagine something sordid was afoot. But you’d be wrong. I was accompanied by a camera crew and I was working. The current vogue among TV commissioning types, you see, is to request a “taster tape” for a programme idea. This, as you may have guessed, is a five-minute [...]

I don’t mind the Olympics, if that’s what people want to do, but I think it’s very un-British for Team GB to keep winning so many medals. It would be far better if they almost won, but couldn’t quite cut it on the day, don’t you think? Fourth position would be ideal. That’s what we’ve come to expect from our sportsmen and women, and I’m afraid they’ve let us down [...]

As I arrived at the Rose Theatre in Kingston upon Thames to record an episode of Radio 4’s Just a Minute, I met Paul Merton. Paul always has the best opening lines. I offered him a mint before we went through the stage door. “Do you find it takes away the taste of your boyfriend?” he asked.

As we waited for the recording to begin, Nicholas Parsons was pacing up [...]

The dog has BO. The shame of it. I first realised there was a personal freshness issue as we were travelling down to Kent. I was at the wheel and Valerie was in the back seat doing her finest Kerry Katona impersonation (licking the windows and sniffing a lot). As we drove through Balham, I thought it wise to close the sunroof and lock the doors. I didn’t want some [...]

I’ve had to put myself about this week, to the tune of 22 interviews. Surely anyone who resisted buying my novel in hardback can be left in no doubt by its sudden availability in cheap and cheerful paperback? (It’s the Primark version of the haute couture item: shoddy arse-wipe paper, but the words are the same.) Resist it at your peril. Publicists these days are so zealous that I wouldn’t [...]

Some things are meant to be. Some things aren’t meant to be. Some things are meant to be but other things get in the way, and the things that are meant to be don’t happen because, although they were meant to be, other things happened and therefore they were cancelled out.

Whether this is because they were, in fact, never meant to be, or because other things got in the [...]

Last Sunday I was supposed to be presenting the prizes at our annual village raft race. Instead I was spreadeagled in an ambulance having an ECG.

The drama began on Saturday night. As I was slipping into my white linen, short-sleeved summer pyjamas, I announced to the boyfriend that I didn't feel too clever. "I've got a bit of a pain in my chest," I said, weakly. "Whatever," he [...]

My birthday came and went with a minimum of fuss. The boyfriend didn’t get me the Siamese kitten I was hoping for, just a sensible shirt. He’ll be sorry. I shall buy my own kitten and make it a cosy bed out of clothes I don’t want. Like sensible shirts. I was going to have a bit of a “do” but in the end the thought of all the visitors [...]

Holed up alone in the country, watching the blue tits dash in and out of their nests, beaks bulging with wriggly food for their brood, I am consumed by womb envy. If only I had the requisite reproductive organs, I could lure some lad from the village into my house, give him a couple of ciders, and hey presto!

I, too, could be busy all day with a darling [...]