I sat on the bench outside WH Smiths in Hammersmith to drink the warm bottle of diet coke that I had just bought from the store. "Sorry the fridge isn't working," said the lady at the check out. She seemed genuinely sorry for the refrigerator malfunction. I didn't really mind. It was going to get warm in my stomach in any case. I just needed the liquid and the caffeine [...]

Last week I did a stand up gig promoting SCOPE’s Time To Get Equal Week (it is now no longer Time To Get Equal Week, but I’d like to think this is a cause worth supporting all the year round). As usual with these SCOPE things I got much more out of it than I gave. It was a terrifically fun gig for me. I had been a bit [...]

I am working my way through my old diaries and schoolbooks and folders full of childhood memorabilia as preparation for my new Edinburgh show, “The Headmaster’s Son”. My dad was the headmaster at the secondary school I went to and I am hoping to prove that this fact caused the psychological damage that explains why I am such a fuck up as an adult - unable to commit to anyone, [...]

You can judge a person by their shoes.

I haven’t really considered that cliché before, but I think it’s probably true. You have to make a lot of decisions when buying a shoe, about style, comfort etc. It’s a definite statement, though it’s sometimes a statement which, although bold, leaves its audience thinking, “What the fuck does that statement mean?”

There was a girl opposite me on the tube today, [...]

Parents should get much more credit than they do. The problem with having children is that it is a twenty-four hour job, seven days a week for (at least) eighteen years and the wages are terrible. You have to pay for the privilege.

Oh, of course, you get the joy of seeing the course of a new young life and the triumphs and disasters that will ensue. But when you’re [...]

I have just been on holiday to Sicily. It’s a beautiful place, lots of history, amazing scenery and driving there is a seat of the pants exhilarating dance with death. But it’s not a bad thing to be reminded of your mortality. I find it makes you live life harder.

I was based in Syracuse, which has some pretty incredible sights, least of which is the gigantic modern Cathedral, built [...]

I have been enjoying reading about these alleged would-be aeroplane bombers, apparently intent on taking down aircraft with Lucozade. Even though they didn't manage that, they have caused something much worse, which is to make our journey through airport security more arduous. God damn those Oasis drinking lunatics.

But the detail that interested me was that the diary that perhaps details their plan suggested that the bombers had porn [...]

Katie Price, aka Jordan, is all over the papers at the moment, not that she ever isn’t, but I’ve seen her staring out at me from several magazine covers in the last week or so. The Guardian even did a big feature on the topless model turned TV celebrity/singer/author/product endorser/millionaire.

I don’t know what she’s pushing at the moment, possibly one of the novels that have her name on the [...]

So I am about half way through my latest tour of the UK, with my show about the delights of turning 40. It is a relentless routine of travelling, usually by car, interrupted by two hours of talking to a room full of strangers, then back on to the motorway for a four hour drive home in the dark.

Were I more successful I would be able to pay [...]

I am whizzing up and down the country on my latest tour. It’s going well and I still haven’t had a drink this year and am feeling a thousand per cent better (and there’s well over a stone less of me to love/hate depending on your perspective).

From my perspective it is excellent. Join me! Join me!

My mind is already turning to my next show though and I [...]