Friday Arts Diary

Our cultural picks for the week ahead.


Made in Britain: Warp Films at 10, British Film Institute, London, 19-30 April
April features a BFI celebration of 10 years of contemporary British cinema from a company behind several iconic stories. Continuing an annual exploration of British Cinema, last year centered on female directors, this time the focus is on the productions of Warp Films. Founded in 2001 the company has produced among others This is England and Dead Man’s Shoes. There will also be a Film Masterclass available for the aspiring cinematographers.



Petrenko conducts in Warwick, Warwick Arts Centre, Coventry CV4 7AL, 24 April
Conductor Vasily Petrenko and Nikolai Lugansky on piano present an all-Russian evening with Tchaikovsky's First, Liadov’s Enchanted Lake and Prokofiev’s Fifth. Among the most respected piano concertos these pieces have been described as virtuoso Cossack-rides and fairytales of reality escape. Petrenko is the Chief Conductor of the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra and Lugansky won the 2011 BBC Music Magazine Awards in the Chamber Music category.



The day I swapped my dad for two goldfish, Beacon Arts Centre, Greenock PA15 1HJ, 25 – 27 April
Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean have had another picture book turned theatre with The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish. Following the success of The Wolves in the Walls in 2006 the play explores what happens when a spur of the moment decision turns bad and snowsballs out of control. Appropriate for anyone aged 6 or up. Created and directed by Lu Kemp and Abigail Docherty and written by Oliver Emanuel.


The Wright Way, BBC1, Starts 23 April
A new sitcom by Ben Elton, The Wright Way stars David Haig as Gerald Wright from Baselricky Council Health & Safety Department. He tries in vain to manage his hopeless team and avoid causing the catastrophes they are meant to prevent. A biting look on bureaucracy and office incompetence from the man responsible for the Blackadder series and The Young Ones. Also starring Mina Anwar, Kacey Ainsworth, Joanne Matthews, and Robert Daws.



The Dairy Art Centre, London WC1N 1PG, opens 24 April
Former-milk-depot-turned-art-gallery The Dairy will host its inaugural exhibition of avant-garde pop culture mix from Swiss artist John Armleder. His art is described as “a celebration of reality in its everyday and most commonplace manifestations.” Not-for-profit and free for all the 12,500 sq ft centre will feature the projects chosen by collectors Frank Cohen and Nicolai Frahm. Having worked together for over 15 years the couple and collaborated and collected with many of the most prolific artists, they have called the dairy a “kunsthalle”, a space where the artworld and the public can come together.
A new play based on one of Neil Gaiman's books will premiere in Scotland. Photo: Darryl James/Getty Images
All photos: BBC
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“You’re a big corporate man” The Apprentice 2015 blog: series 11, episode 8

The candidates upset some children.

WARNING: This blog is for people watching The Apprentice. Contains spoilers!

Read up on episode 7 here.

“I don’t have children and I don’t like them,” warns Selina.

An apt starting pistol for the candidates – usually so shielded from the spontaneity, joy and hope of youth by their childproof polyester uniforms – to organise children’s parties. Apparently that’s a thing now. Getting strangers in suits to organise your child’s birthday party. Outsourcing love. G4S Laser Quest. Abellio go-carting. Serco wendy houses.

Gary the supermarket stooge is project manager of team Versatile again, and Selina the child hater takes charge of team Connexus. They are each made to speak to an unhappy-looking child about the compromised fun they will be able to supply for an extortionate fee on their special days.

“So are you into like hair products and make-up?” Selina spouts at her client, who isn’t.

“Yeah, fantastic,” is Gary’s rather enthusiastic response to the mother of his client’s warning that she has a severe nut allergy.

Little Jamal is taken with his friends on an outdoor activity day by Gary’s team. This consists of wearing harnesses, standing in a line, and listening to a perpetual health and safety drill from fun young David. “Slow down, please, don’t move anywhere,” he cries, like a sad elf attempting to direct a fire drill. “Some people do call me Gary the Giraffe,” adds Gary, in a gloomy tone of voice that suggests the next half of his sentence will be, “because my tongue is black with decay”.

Selina’s team has more trouble organising Nicole’s party because they forgot to ask for her contact details. “Were we supposed to get her number or something?” asks Selina.

“Do you have the Yellow Pages?” replies Vana. Which is The Apprentice answer for everything. Smartphones are only to be used to put on loudspeaker and shout down in a frenzy.

Eventually, they get in touch, and take Nicole and pals to a sports centre in east London. I know! Sporty! And female! Bloody hell, someone organise a quaint afternoon tea for her and shower her with glitter to make her normal. Quick! Selina actually does this, cutting to a clip of Vana and Richard resentfully erecting macaroons. Selina also insists on glitter to decorate party bags full of the most gendered, pointless tat seed capital can buy.

“You’re breaking my heart,” whines Richard the Austerity Chancellor when he’s told each party bag will cost £10. “What are we putting in there – diamond rings?” Just a warning to all you ladies out there – if Richard proposes, don’t say yes.

They bundle Nicole and friends into a pink bus, for the section of her party themed around the Labour party’s failed general election campaign, and Brett valiantly screeches Hit Me Baby One More Time down the microphone to keep them entertained.

Meanwhile on the other team, Gary is quietly demonstrating glowsticks to some bored 11-year-old boys. “David, we need to get the atmosphere going,” he warns. “Ermmmmm,” says David, before misquoting the Hokey Cokey out of sheer stress.

Charleine is organising a birthday cake for Jamal. “May contain nuts,” she smiles, proudly. “Well done, Charleine, good job,” says Joseph. Not even sarcastically.

Jamal’s mother is isolated from the party and sits on a faraway bench, observing her beloved son’s birthday celebrations from a safe distance, while the team attempts to work out if there are nuts in the birthday cake.

Richard has his own culinary woes at Nicole’s party, managing both to burn and undercook burgers for the stingy barbecue he’s insisted on overriding the afternoon tea. Vana runs around helping him and picking up the pieces like a junior chef with an incompetent Gordon Ramsay. “Vana is his slave,” comments Claude, who clearly remains unsure of how to insult the candidates and must draw on his dangerously rose-tinted view of the history of oppression.

Versatile – the team that laid on some glowstick banter and a melted inky mess of iron-on photo transfers on t-shirts for Jamal and his bored friends – unsurprisingly loses. This leads to some vintage Apprentice-isms in The Bridge café, His Lordship's official caterer to losing candidates. “I don’t want to dance around a bush,” says one. “A lot of people are going to point the finger at myself,” says another’s self.

In an UNPRECEDENTED move, Lord Sugar decides to keep all four losing team members in the boardroom. He runs through how rubbish they all are. “Joseph, I do believe there has been some responsibility for you on this task.” And “David, I do believe that today you’ve got a lot to answer to.”

Lord Sugar, I do believe you’re dancing around a bush here. Who’s for the chop? It’s wee David, of course, the only nice one left.

But this doesn’t stop Sugar voicing his concern about the project manager. “I’m worried about you, Gary,” he says. “You’re a big corporate man.” Because if there’s any demographic in society for whom we should be worried, it’s them.

Candidates to watch:


Hanging on in there by his whiskers.


Far less verbose when he’s doing enforced karaoke.


She’ll ruin your party.

I'll be blogging The Apprentice each week. Click here for the previous episode blog. The Apprentice airs weekly at 9pm, Wednesday night on BBC One.

Anoosh Chakelian is deputy web editor at the New Statesman.