Competition - Win a bottle of champagne

No 3552 Set by Gordon Gwilliams

Cannabis is legalised. The advertising agencies go wild . . .

Report by Ms de Meaner

Apologies for setting 3554 twice. Apologies to winner David Silverman for giving him an hon mensh. Mea culpas all round. I blame the subs. £15 to the winners. The bottle goes to John O'Byrne.



Cloud Nine Plus

(Contains cannabis)

Cannabisol Cloud Nine Plus ("poTpOt"*) is pleasantly flavoured and can be used as an appetite stimulant, muscle relaxant, analgesic, stoning aid and anticonvulsant.

It is a particularly suitable remedy for migraine, nervous rheumatism, social shyness, hysteria and loss of appetite.

Increases self-confidence, feelings of creativity and sensual awareness. Facilitates self-acceptance and concentration, reduces tension, hostility and aggression.

Enhances alpha-wave activity. Will not alter testosterone or other hormone levels. Each joint contains tetrahydrocannabinol, sunset yellow, Virginian tobacco leaf.

"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man" (Matthew 15:11).

735/2/9 Delta-9-THC 571 MJhemp A

HEALTH WARNING: May produce psychological but not physical dependence. May impair short-term memory. Be careful not to swallow roach.

poTpOt is a registered trade mark. Licensed by the National Drugs Authority.

* As used by the Pilgrim Fathers.

John O'Byrne


You live your life in the fast lane. All day on the trading floor, all night in the clubs. Servants fuss around you. Women fall at your trouser zip. Life is great, and it is no more than you deserve. Then, one day, you have a piece of misfortune - you make a mistake, could happen to anyone. An unfortunate deal. You don't tell the bank. Instead you aim to make the losses up. But they don't reduce, they increase. You won't be beaten, you're a winner. Keep dealing. Just one good deal and you'll be back in good odour and enjoying life again. But the losses go on mounting, they get bigger and bigger. First it's thousands, then tens of thousands. The noughts go on accumulating, you're into millions. There are rumours. The bank asks questions - you can't answer them. The police take away papers. A prosecution is under way, your wife leaves you, workmen shun you, friends avoid you . . .

Who cares? Light up a Marrakesh Slim - and everything is COOL!!!! . . .

HEALTH WARNING: This product can lead to troublesome giggling.

Geoff Horton

When you smoke The Real Stuff you really, you know, I mean it's not like you're smoking dope. Or getting stoned. Or getting mellow. (Although you are.) It's like you're asking somebody if they feel something and they tell you they are, and normally they would just be saying it, but then something happens so that they're not just telling you, it's that something else is happening although you don't really realise what it is, and they don't either, but this thing is still happening which is some kind of communication from them to you. And from you to them. Although I couldn't tell you about this communication, even though that is communicating something and you should be able to tell someone if it's about communication, right? It's just this thing, man, except it isn't a thing, OK?

Get The Real Stuff. You know it makes no sense.

No animals were harmed in the making of this advert. Although it depends what you mean by "harm". And human beings are animals. If you take money for something, that's being part of the harm process, even if you don't know it's happening at the time. So there was harm caused.

Robert Davis


Introducing Weed Factor Four, the latest from CannabizTM ! This is a packet of jive fives that will leave you helpless. Because Weed Factor Four is created from the finest resin around. In fact, we like to call it our resin d'etre. One suck on each customised, lip-easy roach, and you'll be on the road to a heaven you never even dreamed about. It's soft. It's cool. It's as refreshing as a drink of dew at dawn. And never leaves you as stoned as St Stephen.

Weed Factor Four has been developed after the most intensive testing, and it comes in several shades of strength. There's Weed Factor Four Lite, for that social workaday toke. Or there's Weed Factor Four Xtra, a cocktail joint you can pass around after a gentle dinner. For the hothead pothead, there's Weed Factor Four Slam, which defies all the known laws of gravity for eight hours at a time. And, for the connoisseur, we've just introduced NEW Weed Factor Four Mellow '99, a specially blended smoke with a hint of Asia Minor.

Weed Factor Four. From CannabizTM. The company that blows you HOT.

Will Bellenger

No 3555 Set by Gordon Gwilliams

The New Oxford Dictionary of English recognises the following terms: lunch box, black information, Barnum effect, car bra, eye candy, downshift, glory hole, mockney, mouse potato, pan-pan and zero tolerance. We want an entertaining text by 26 November containing all 11, not necessarily in their intended meaning. Max 200 words.

This article first appeared in the 13 November 1998 issue of the New Statesman, Why gays become politicians