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Unless a vacancy for a newsreader comes up at Channel 4, comedy is stuck with me

Shazia Mirza

Published 28 August 2008

After appearing at Edinburgh, most performers need reintegrating into society

Tonight is the last night of the Edinburgh Festival. It’s like the last day of school: you empty out your comedy drawer, taking home all your old pens and pencils, and then worry about going to big school.

I would love to be able to tell you the truth about what’s been going on here over the past month, but I’m not in a position to do that just yet. All I can say is that I long for the day when I’ll be allowed to be who I am without having to apologise for it or justify it. My struggle is not being on stage; my struggle is about being allowed to get up on stage.

When I was younger, my parents never wanted me to be a comedian. They said: "You'll never be accepted in show business. It's best to stick to medicine - the NHS can't survive without our lot." But I said no, show business needs a hairy Asian woman asking such profound questions as: "Why is everything in Oxfam made of lambswool or tweed?"

Nowadays, I am an outsider in a world of outsiders. It's like I've gatecrashed the comedy party and I'm standing in this room with everyone staring at me, asking: "Where's your invitation and who invited you?" Some people advise me to keep a low profile and hope nobody will notice I'm there, while others are bitching to the bouncers to have me thrown out.

It takes a while to realise that the host of the party is the paying public, who come back time and time again, and in the face of all this hostility, it's reassuring to know that it is the public who decide whether you stay or whether you go. The bearpit at the front of the stage is mild compared to the bearpit at the back. It's a bit like my parents' garden: the front looks like Alan Titchmarsh's Chelsea Flower Show entry and the back looks like the garden of Fred West.

To be honest, after a month at the festival, I feel there are some people who don’t want me in this business, and if it were legal, they would drive a stake through my heart to get rid of me.

But I don’t have an alternative. Teaching won’t take me back, and no Muslim man wants to marry me now that I’m “damaged goods”, having dabbled in a few jokes and fingered a few white men on the number 38 bus. So, until there’s a vacancy for a newsreader at Channel 4, I’m here to stay.

I wish someone would try to force me into rehab, because I would go go go. There should be mandatory rehabilitation for performers coming back from the Edinburgh Festival. In a way, it's like Belmarsh: you get incarcerated for a month - in my case in an immobile caravan - and now that it's ended I feel like I'm going to need help reintegrating into society. I might have relapses where I start cracking jokes about Wags in the library, or begin doing my Oxfam routine in Harrods.

The most terrifying thing is having to face how your home looks when you've been away for a month. I come home and it feels like living in a doctor's waiting room - NHS, of course. The toilet is dirty, the carpet's got crabs and there's baked beans up the walls.

I managed to buy the last two tickets to see Joan Rivers’s Work in Progress by a Life in Progress. The play is about her life. The gay men and menopausal women near me laughed like mad, cried hysterically, then laughed and cried at the same time, and one woman wet herself (that was me).

Joan swore with panache, using swear words beginning with the letter "c". I tried to imagine my mum doing that, but she's 65 and can't open her mouth without passing wind and her dentures falling out. The play was brilliant and Rivers's story amazing, and it made my struggle seem . . . well, like I need to struggle a bit more.

Seeing her, I felt that while I may have gatecrashed the party, this woman has broken in, supplied all the party poppers and relieved herself in the garden, and is still the only one body-popping on the dance floor.

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14 comments from readers

t.biz
29 August 2008 at 16:47

Who is it that doesn't want you in this business? Down with them I say! I saw one of your last shows at the Edinburgh festival last week, and I thought you were bloody funny. I don't think more than 10 seconds ever passed without me nearly falling off my chair. All my friends thought you were hilarious as well. So..there it is. That was solely to inflate your ego a bit, which we all know can do no harm in small doses.

Oh and can you please play some gigs in London, I'm dying to see you again and can't wait to introduce you to my fellow Londoners!

matthews
31 August 2008 at 23:39

Shazia, I saw your show at Edinburgh this year. There is absolutely no doubt that you should, and that you deserve to be in this buisness. Your show was hilarious from start to finish, me and everyone else in that portacabin laughed non stop from beginning to end, it was brilliant, hilarious, original and one of the best shows I saw in Edinburgh this year.

You must recognise why there wasn't one single spare seat in your venue- It is because you are brilliant.

Of course the audience never knows what goes on behind that curtain, but if there wasn't struggle and predujuice we would never have had people like Lenny Bruce and George Carlin. As painful as it may seem- that's the price you pay for being unique. Of all the shows i saw in Edinburgh this year, yours was without a doubt the most memorable. You are right, in the long run the audience always decide weather you stay or weather you go, and I'm telling you as a paying punter- You will undoubtedly stay. For a very long time.

H
02 September 2008 at 05:20

I wish you would name and shame the people that make your time difficult. But I understand why you don't. I am in a very high position in a multinational corporate buisness company. I am an Asian woman, everyone i am in charge of is a white middle class male. Let me tell you, the problems you face in your buisness are no different from the problems i face in mine. White middle class men are threatened and feel intimidated by a woman never mind Asian woman doing well, and having power. They are not comfortable with this image and feel the need to destroy it or distort it, to thier comfort. You are a woman in a man's world, and a woman doing well unfortunately you will have to be twice as good to be recognised, which will make you twice as brilliant as all those mediocre white men who only get where they do because of the boys club. It may sound racist but it's true and nothing compared to the predujuice most Asian women have to feel at some point in thier lives. I continue to put up with abuse in my job, where there is also bitching, back stabbing and hostility towards me, but I'm hoping success will be the best revenge. For you too.

Terry
09 September 2008 at 17:54

Shazia, My girlfriend was reading between your lines this week and empathised - she has had something similar from a small bunch of self-important tyrants at her work place who have tried everything to make her life hell, always just falling short of of being outside the law. She is now leaving her job next month having just become weary of it all. Anyway, we both love your writing and we have seen you on stage last year and agreed with matthews, you must stay in the business, it needs people like you. Good luck.

R
10 September 2008 at 15:43

In the comedy world there has always been a tiny minority who have it in for Shazia Mirza, thankfully for the comedy world she has the good sense to recognise them for the dross that they are. All of us at one time or another attract some flack like this, even a white guy like me, but the latest stunts I have seen against her (by one individual who I could name here, but as she doesnt I wont, those in standup will know who I'm talking about though) have surprised even the most seasoned of us. Its not new, but it is a long time since I have seen this level of personal, vindictive, sustained and wholly unwarranted atack against one comedian. Take it from me, it is a deliberate attempt to drive her off the stage - it wont of course because she is first and last a professional and I'm fairly sure she knows the one(s) attacking are well beneath her. It does irritate and weary many of us in the business though to see it going on and on, if its any consolation its begining to look like the sourse is increasingly loosing credibility from what I hear, and the latest stunts just look petty and churlish. Her dignity and forbearance so far have been remarkable, I for one would have lost it by now if I were in her place. I guess there is no industry free of the swine who get a kick out of bullying, and judging by the comments above I think office jobs are no better, Dam! back to the circuit.

MC
11 September 2008 at 16:29

Having read this two weeks ago I'm now back again and reading all the comments. This time I'm looking at it in another context, that of all the reportage I have seen on Tarique Ghaffur, and yesterday Yasmin Rehman in press like the Mail and the Standard. It truly shows a craven and ignorant side to British society, Shazia's persecutors fall into this Enoch Powell category I should imagine. I would recommend Brian Catchart's piece in last week's NS on this subject. As 'R' mentions above, every industry has its Enoch Powell pit bulls, I would just say that the best response to these witless throwbacks is defiant success.

J
12 September 2008 at 03:04

I have read this column 3 times now, and keep coming back to it, now reading the comments below, I feel compelled to write my opinion here. I am a working comic on the circuit, and I am ashamed to say that what Shazia Mirza is experiencing is downright blatant RACISM. Most people on the circuit know it, and I am even more ashamed to say that no one is brave enough to stand up to the racist (s) involved for fear of staining their own shallow careers. But what they don't realise is- this is what comedy is all about- telling the truth and standing up to the predijuces of the world. And yet when an innocent person like Shazia Mirza is being bullied simply because she is different, everyone stands and watches in silence. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! you are not true comics. We all know it has been going on for a while and in this column Shazia has been extremely dignified in not saying and not naming the individuals concerned, but I wish she would, because this debate would take a shocking turn.The truth needs to come out. If I was her I would have lost my patience by now, how she has put up with this constant abuse is beyond me. I have no doubt it's because she is a Muslim woman, she is the only Muslim woman on the stand up circuit and my God has she taken the hit for it. She has been constantly and unjustifiably abused because of the colour of her skin and her religion.

Tarique Ghaffur of the Met Police is lucky- he has people to complain to, there are procedures within the Met for this kind of abuse towards people, unfortunately we don't have those avenues in comedy, we don't have a Union or anyone to complain to so racist bullying is allowed to continue, but this last attack on Shazia which is so obvious is now a step too far. Shazia is a good comedian, a revolutionary comedian not just for what she has done on stage but for the predujuice she has had to endure offstage.

I hope Shazia that you do not give up, because I agree with the person above, you must stay in this buisness not only does comedy need you, you may be the bridge between ignorance and bliss. More than that, I hope you find the courage to come out and tell the whole story, name names, and give the details of what me and so many other comedians are standing on the sidelines so cowardly watching.

Si
13 September 2008 at 00:49

I am a comedy promoter. There is undoubtedly racism and bullying going on, and I agree with R above that it is vindictive, spiteful hateful bullying of the worst kind. What makes it worse is that we know who it is, but it will take more than one brave person to out this man and stand up to him as he is obviously a person who cannot be communicated with- as like most bullies he is actually a weak person intent on dousing himself with power he doesn't deserve. There is no comedy 'Union' but someone should lead the way and start one, before something terribly damaging happens.

Al
14 September 2008 at 20:11

It seems quite inconceivable that in an industry which is deemed forward thinking and at the forefront of free speech, that this kind of unfathomable behaviour is taking place. I saw 12 Edinburgh shows this year, bar Joan Rivers and Louis CK- Shazia Mirza's show was by far the funniest, most original and most cutting edge, I have been going to Edinburgh for almost 10 years now, so I know what I'm talking about. Why the bullying and backlash? And why are we supposed to behave as though it's normal and ok to bully and persecute people of ethnic minorites who do well? It seems middle England is comfortable with people of colour entering certain careers, but the minute they start doing well they are dragged down to the gutters -where they ostensibly belong. The comedy circuit should be asahmed of itself that despite so many seemingly educated talented people, not one has the courage to support a woman who seems so obviously and innocently persecuted. Shazia's column is very telling, maybe others now need to tell the truth as well.

Cat
15 September 2008 at 19:27

This sounds crazy, I don't know anything about comedy, but I do know about harassment, and I am guessing this must be a subtle and clever case of abuse, staying carefully inside the law. These are often the most difficult cases to deal with because none of the established systems can stop the abuser. It also tents to be the most difficult area in which to attract peer support because people know that it can be turned on them if the speak out and then they will not be able to stop it, this would explain some of the comments above. The thing is, this discussion provokes more questions then it provides answers, like: How many other performers are in this position? Can't organisations like Equity help? Are performer's managers not in a position to protect them? Is the culprit in this case operating alone or as a small group with support? Is there a history of this sort of treatment of other comics who have gone on to become household names? I will be watching this debate with great interest and will look at performers in a new light in future.

hardy
17 September 2008 at 16:32

oh yes! just been told about this thread know a bit about this i temped on a recent comedy fest where some of this junk went on That bloke did get an accomplice to do that last stunt Cat and also i know fairly lowdown tricks i think it was helped by some graduate journalist, dont know if she knew the history or was just conned into going along im nosey now so must go asking round not first time i heard this kind of crap being doled out to acts usually new ones though a discrase but its a dirty business

mik
20 September 2008 at 00:34

Cat- your comments are spot on I think. You trenchantly and very accuratly have put the whole thing. The comedy buisness is full of people who want fame, money, and success and will do anything to get it, even if it means being a racist bully towards someone, trying to destroy their career, and annihilate their confidence in the process. But it begs belief- how do they live with themselves? and the person in question it seems from the comments above can't think much of himself, and seems to have been unsuccessful in his own life to want to stop this woman getting on stage. The individual concerned needs to look more into his own life if he is to find success in the outside world, since persecuting people in this vindictive manner will surely only come back on him. Terry- I have read your comment above and I feel distraught that your girlfriend is having to leave work because of people like this. How sad that it had to come to that. Shazia- you must not leave this buisness and you must not let the perpetrator get to you. Not only does the comedy buisness need people with a different voice- if we didn't have different voices there would be even more racism and predujice and ignorance will always remain rife.

mal
01 October 2008 at 12:21

It's strange how there hasn't been a post for a couple of weeks. Most people on the comedy circuit are cowards, and nothing scares them more than when they know there's predujuice staring them in the face.

All of a sudden people have become acutely aware of what they already knew- that there is blatent Racism and Sexism going on. But what happens is that by not dealing with it, It gets worse. I agree bitterness, resentment, jealously are often at the root of such racsim and sexism. No wonder you barely get black or Asian acts in Edinburgh- it's because they feel they don't belong and are certainly not made to feel welcome. The few that are brave enough to go- like Shazia just get treated like the lowest form of life. Acts like Stephen K Amos who have been going to Edinburgh for years have never been rewarded. Always ignored. Whereas their white counterparts are given all the awards under the sun but are not nearly half as good, but they've been to Cambridge, are the right colour, class, and background so that's a head start. Ask Gina Yashere, Jocelyn Gee Esien, Curtis Walker Richard Blackwood- Why none of them ever go to Edinburgh! Because they know how they will be treated.Then the only Muslim woman in stand up comedy is brave enough to go- time and time again and then the predictable happens. HARD CORE BULLYING. The white middle classes will never understand racism. Just like black people will never understand justice. It's modern day slavery.

Jelly
21 January 2009 at 11:28

I don't think you're brave if you're a black or Asian comic performing in Edinburgh. Foolhardy maybe, when you consider the money you're probably going to lose. I know for certain that one of the black comics Mal mentioned didn't go to Edinburgh one year because they preferred to spend their money on a new kitchen. Also Mal there are many black and Asian comics in Edinburgh - I was one of them in a venue with 4 others - but you do have to look for them. Apart from being racially attacked last year, ironically by a Pole, I've always felt welcome in the city. But I agree that black & Asian comics have to struggle harder to get career progression. At the last festival I chatted to a big comedy producer/agent who admitted he wouldn't use comics who were too 'urban'. Plus I've been targeted by the same person who's hounded Shazia. The man in question has trotted out the old cliché: 'some of my best friends are black'. But in this case his 'friend' is a self hating black comic who believes (sadly correctly) that there's only room at the top for a few successful ethnic minority comedians. So if Shazia is knocked out there’s a space for a replacement. It's a sad truth that not only do comics of Shazia's undoubted quality have to battle the prejudices of the white establishment but the petty competitive jealousies of a few in the black & Asian comedy community. While we compete among ourselves for attention - which is the nature of the stand-up comedy circuit - the spiteful prejudiced opinions of one man and the blinkered views of others remain unchallenged.

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About the writer

Shazia Mirza

Shazia Mirza is an award-winning stand up comedian. In 2003 she was named by The Observer as one of the 50 funniest acts in British comedy. Since 2006 she has written a fortnightly column for the New Statesman, for which she won Columnist of the Year at the PPA Awards.

Also by Shazia Mirza

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