Poem

Weeeeeed

• 14 February 2000

"We have made her into a wise character who has quite a lot to say and is able to express herself clearly." - TV producer Frank Vose on Weed's status in the new "Bill and Ben". Weed will apparently solve all their problems

unPC

• 07 February 2000

Chris Woodhead, Stuart Bell, 40 Labour MPs and religious leaders oppose the repeal of "Clause 28". An NOP poll suggested that 70 per cent of computer-users shouted at their machines

Trials and Tribulations

• 31 January 2000

Minded

• 24 January 2000

Castaway 2000

• 17 January 2000

There's an official flu epidemic.The advice is to stay in bed. Some cheating was reported in the BBC's "Castaway 2000" experiment

All You Need (My Big Speech)

• 10 January 2000

(with apologies to Lennon and McCartney)

The Darkling Brush

• 20 December 1999

(with apologies to Thomas Hardy's "The Darkling Thrush")

Missing

• 13 December 1999

Thousands of body parts have been removed without consent. A Tory spokesman was sacked after giving an opinion ten minutes before his pager told him not to

Apocalypse Never

• 06 December 1999

A meteor defence system is to be located in Belfast. Ian Paisley described David Trimble as trampling and dancing on graves

Toytown: A Statement

• 29 November 1999

Noddy is 50. Jeffrey Archer withdrew from the race to be London's mayor