Budget 2013: where are the ideas?

Stumped for inspiration.

The spotlight is firmly on George Osborne. In 48 hours, he’ll deliver a budget amid economic flatlining and public volatility which, if it fails, will result in calls for the Chancellor’s head as he’s only created 0.7 per cent growth during his entire 34 month tenure.

That’s alarming as there’s a frightening lack of ideas in Wednesday’s shenanigans. The leaks so far suggest that Mark Carney targeting growth or unemployment is the most revolutionary policy that we can expect; yet isn’t creating a Deputy Chancellorship more about spreading the blame come the 2015 election than sparking a second industrial revolution?

As a British citizen, I find the whole episode deeply disappointing. The country’s back is against the wall and so the public are desperate for a politician to try something new. Yet all the House of Commons offers is supply side economics versus demand side economics, a yawningly repetitious argument which isn’t simply Osborne’s fault: it’s Cable’s, as Business Secretary, it’s Balls’, as Shadow Chancellor, it’s the mandarins’, it's academia’s, it’s all of our fault.

Yes, the next few days will be marked by political manoeuvring – Labour will, for example, scream about Osborne playing to the rich by chopping corporation tax from 28p to 21p and giving 13,000 millionaires a £100,000 tax cut – yet the focus should be on the failure in the collective imagination.

The UK is crying out for fresh ideas and so more news time should be given to the likes of Douglas Carswell MP, who, in the Guardian, is quoted as calling for a dramatic reduction in Whitehall which would allow for £26bn in tax cuts, including cutting corporation tax to 11 per cent and capital gains tax to 0 per cent.

You may think the policies are barmy, but at least they’re different. Given the established thinking has produced little more than an economic murmur, pungent debate is needed.

This article first appeared on Spear's.

Photograph: Getty Images

Freddy Barker writes for Spear's.

Screengrab from Telegraph video
Show Hide image

The Telegraph’s bizarre list of 100 reasons to be happy about Brexit

“Old-fashioned light bulbs”, “crooked cucumbers”, and “new vocabulary”.

As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.

The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:

Cheap tennis balls

At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.

Keep paper licences

I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.

New hangover cures

What?

Stronger vacuums

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.

Old-fashioned light bulbs

I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.

No more EU elections

Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.

End working time directive

At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!

Drop green targets

Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.

No more wind farms

Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.

Blue passports

I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.

UK passport lane

Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.

No fridge red tape

Free the fridge!

Pounds and ounces

Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.

Straight bananas

Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.

Crooked cucumbers

I don’t understand.

Small kiwi fruits

Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.

No EU flags in UK

They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.

Kent champagne

To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?

No olive oil bans

Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.

No clinical trials red tape

What is there to regulate?

No Turkey EU worries

True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.

No kettle restrictions

Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!

Less EU X-factor

What is this?

Ditto with BGT

I really don’t get this.

New vocabulary

Mainly racist slurs, right?

Keep our UN seat

Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.

No EU human rights laws

Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.

Herbal remedy boost

At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.

Others will follow [picture of dominos]

Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!

Better English team

Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?

High-powered hairdryers

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.

She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]

Well, I’m convinced.

I'm a mole, innit.