The ADgenda: No. 7 discovers what colour your face is

Know thyself.

Adverts are designed to make us question the things we see as important, and enlighten us with what we actually need. We didn’t know that shiny new hot-plate holder was a matter of life and death, but it is, and if we don’t buy all those Swiss army-style attachments, our lives are purposeless. No 7 has put out a new gadget designed to tell you the colour of your skin. Of course; it’s so simple! This is what we’ve always needed. Finally, I can discover what colour my face is! They’ve made more than just a make-up product here: this device should be sold to the army and kept a national secret. For it has unfathomable power; No 7 have put an end to the human philosophical struggle of who we are, and cracked the code of the ancient message at the Delphic Oracle “know thyself”. We never know when humanity might need this to combat an existential crisis.

This is the message they employ in their advert. We see a woman working, looking agitated, bursting out of the enclosing walls of her office at the first possible opportunity, stumbling in her concealed excitement, until finally she unlocks the true meaning of her life – her face colour. The nation heaves a sigh of relief as she escapes the pointlessness of a job to receive the true enlightenment of perfect make-up. The fates smile upon humanity as they watch poor, deluded Woman finally achieve the goals of her gender.  Now, with the message unlocked, they transmit the epistle down, soon to be adopted by our omniscient No 7 PR agency: value female appearance before female careers

New gadget. Photograph: Getty Images
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Commons Confidential: Dave's picnic with Dacre

Revenge is a dish best served cold from a wicker hamper.

Sulking David Cameron can’t forgive the Daily Mail editor, Paul Dacre, for his role in his downfall. The unrelenting hostility of the self-appointed voice of Middle England to the Remain cause felt pivotal to the defeat. So, what a glorious coincidence it was that they found themselves picnicking a couple of motors apart before England beat Scotland at Twickenham. My snout recalled Cameron studiously peering in the opposite direction. On Dacre’s face was the smile of an assassin. Revenge is a dish best served cold from a wicker hamper.

The good news is that since Jeremy Corbyn let Theresa May off the Budget hook at Prime Minister’s Questions, most of his MPs no longer hate him. The bad news is that many now openly express their pity. It is whispered that Corbyn’s office made it clear that he didn’t wish to sit next to Tony Blair at the unveiling of the Iraq and Afghanistan war memorial in London. His desire for distance was probably reciprocated, as Comrade Corbyn wanted Brigadier Blair to be charged with war crimes. Fighting old battles is easier than beating the Tories.

Brexit is a ticket to travel. The Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority is lifting its three-trip cap on funded journeys to Europe for MPs. The idea of paying for as many cross-Channel visits as a politician can enjoy reminds me of Denis MacShane. Under the old limits, he ended up in the clink for fiddling accounts to fund his Continental missionary work. If the new rule was applied retrospectively, perhaps the former Labour minister should be entitled to get his seat back and compensation?

The word in Ukip is that Paul Nuttall, OBE VC KG – the ridiculed former Premier League professional footballer and England 1966 World Cup winner – has cold feet after his Stoke mauling about standing in a by-election in Leigh (assuming that Andy Burnham is elected mayor of Greater Manchester in May). The electorate already knows his Walter Mitty act too well.

A senior Labour MP, who demanded anonymity, revealed that she had received a letter after Leicester’s Keith Vaz paid men to entertain him. Vaz had posed as Jim the washing machine man. Why, asked the complainant, wasn’t this second job listed in the register of members’ interests? She’s avoiding writing a reply.

Years ago, this column unearthed and ridiculed the early journalism of George Osborne, who must be the least qualified newspaper editor in history. The cabinet lackey Ben “Selwyn” Gummer’s feeble intervention in the Osborne debate has put him on our radar. We are now watching him and will be reporting back. My snouts are already unearthing interesting information.

Kevin Maguire is the associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror

Kevin Maguire is Associate Editor (Politics) on the Daily Mirror and author of our Commons Confidential column on the high politics and low life in Westminster. An award-winning journalist, he is in frequent demand on television and radio and co-authored a book on great parliamentary scandals. He was formerly Chief Reporter on the Guardian and Labour Correspondent on the Daily Telegraph.

This article first appeared in the 23 March 2017 issue of the New Statesman, Trump's permanent revolution