"Through the Cervix of Hawwah": don't judge a song by its title

The oddly-named metal records you must listen to.

I've recently been bitten by a metal bug; it's pretty ferocious and yet seemingly not very popular and not all that contagious. Listening to hardcore, metal or drone records brings with it the fairly unique problem that the artists often have such silly names, outfits and ideas that it can distract one hugely from the noise that is actually being made. The song names tend to be so spectacular that it is almost impossible for the music to compete; Bonedust on Dead Genitals for example.

There is a lot of very good stuff around at the moment though and whether attracted, appalled or indifferent to the whole language that comes with the genre, it would be a pity if you were to miss out on it all. Prison Sweat by Total Abuse is a current fav, along with Dead in the Dirt's album Fear. Philly group Satanzied also have new material in the form of Technical Virginity. Despite having a rather pretty sleeve depicting a pyramid with a white picket fence, Satanzied seem to intersperse their music with a sound similar to vomiting (it works though.) Finally, Antediluvian's soon to be released Through the Cervix of Hawwah, which may have developed a metal form of Tuvan throat singing to accompany their breed of onslaught, and I really like Tuvan throat singing. There really is something here for everyone: get bitten.

"Hogg" from the Total Abuse album Prison Sweat:


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For the first time in my life I have a sworn enemy – and I don’t even know her name

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

Last month, I made an enemy. I do not say this lightly, and I certainly don’t say it with pride, as a more aggressive male might. Throughout my life I have avoided confrontation with a scrupulousness that an unkind observer would call out-and-out cowardice. A waiter could bring the wrong order, cold and crawling with maggots, and in response to “How is everything?” I’d still manage a grin and a “lovely, thanks”.

On the Underground, I’m so wary of being a bad citizen that I often give up my seat to people who aren’t pregnant, aren’t significantly older than me, and in some cases are far better equipped to stand than I am. If there’s one thing I am not, it’s any sort of provocateur. And yet now this: a feud.

And I don’t even know my enemy’s name.

She was on a bike when I accidentally entered her life. I was pushing a buggy and I wandered – rashly, in her view – into her path. There’s little doubt that I was to blame: walking on the road while in charge of a minor is not something encouraged by the Highway Code. In my defence, it was a quiet, suburban street; the cyclist was the only vehicle of any kind; and I was half a street’s length away from physically colliding with her. It was the misjudgment of a sleep-deprived parent rather than an act of malice.

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

I was stung by what someone on The Apprentice might refer to as her negative feedback, and walked on with a redoubled sense of the parental inadequacy that is my default state even at the best of times.

A sad little incident, but a one-off, you would think. Only a week later, though, I was walking in a different part of town, this time without the toddler and engrossed in my phone. Again, I accept my culpability in crossing the road without paying due attention; again, I have to point out that it was only a “close shave” in the sense that meteorites are sometimes reported to have “narrowly missed crashing into the Earth” by 50,000 miles. It might have merited, at worst, a reproving ting of the bell. Instead came a familiar voice. “IT’S YOU AGAIN!” she yelled, wrathfully.

This time the shock brought a retort out of me, probably the harshest thing I have ever shouted at a stranger: “WHY ARE YOU SO UNPLEASANT?”

None of this is X-rated stuff, but it adds up to what I can only call a vendetta – something I never expected to pick up on the way to Waitrose. So I am writing this, as much as anything, in the spirit of rapprochement. I really believe that our third meeting, whenever it comes, can be a much happier affair. People can change. Who knows: maybe I’ll even be walking on the pavement

Mark Watson is a stand-up comedian and novelist. His most recent book, Crap at the Environment, follows his own efforts to halve his carbon footprint over one year.

This article first appeared in the 20 October 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Brothers in blood