It was inevitable: two weeks away from the royal wedding and the British media has succumbed. If you are sick of reading and hearing about the wedding already, I suggest you do not leave the house, open a newspaper or engage in even the vaguest way with the internet. However, if you'd like a selection of absurd wedding-related material, read on.

1. The ultimate weak link. BBC News Magazine has come up with the kind of entirely pointless article that has nothing to do with the royal wedding at all, but has something to do with weddings and is thus deemed worthy by association: the "Plus-One Invitation Dilemma". Yes, it is as urgent as it sounds.

2. At last, Wills and Kate's astrological compatability. Thank you, Shelley von Strunckel. This is the kind of analysis we've been craving: "With the expansive, friendly and independent Jupiter prominently positioned, he's already thinking about how to modernise royalty and be an inspiring king."

3. A "cult classic", says the Daily Mail. To what great cinematic triumph could they be referring? Donnie Darko? Not quite. Drum roll, please: William and Kate: the Movie.

4. "As for the British aristocracy, it's pathetic. All that snobbery is ridiculous today." Thank you, Martin Amis, for talking sense to Le Nouvel Observateur (quoted by the Telegraph). In other Amis highlights, Prince Charles apparently has a laugh like a "pig's snore".

5. Actually brilliant. The comedian Tim Key's poem for the occasion, which contains the immortal line: "The Queen clenched her fist, Henman-style". Watch courtesy of the Observer here (and ignore the Cisco ad at the beginning: that's not Tim Key).