Morning call: the pick of the papers

The ten must-read pieces from this morning’s papers.

1. David Cameron's well-oiled winning machine is now a car crash (Guardian)

From the NHS to schools, a catalogue of errors and incompetence is undermining confidence in a once-pitch-perfect Tory party, says Polly Toynbee.

2. Mea culpa that reaches right to the very top (Independent)

News International's admission that it was responsible for the hacking of the phones of public figures ranging from a former member of the cabinet to a Hollywood actress represents a seismic moment for the management of Britain's biggest newspaper publisher, says Ian Burrell.

3. What Hugh Grant revealed about the paparazzi and power (Independent)

You wouldn't necessarily expect the most interesting journalism of the week to come from a film star and his ex-girlfriend, writes Christina Patterson – referring to this New Statesman piece.

4. A misbegotten idea that will prolong the reign of the old boys and elites (Independent)

Nick Clegg sometimes just listens to music and cries, he told Jemima Khan in an NS interview this week. We all know the feeling when we hear about his throughts on social mobility, says Michael Bywater.

5. Ditch the spin-cation. We like flash hols too (Times) (£)

Cameron shouldn't feel obliged to fly Ryanair and stay in cheap hotels, says Janice Turner.

6. I just can't see Berlusconi flying Ryanair (Telegraph)

Compared with the comic turns in other countries, our leaders seem such a dull lot, says Matthew Norman.

7. It's not our job to save the euro (Telegraph)

The failure of the euro will signify the ultimate failure of the European ideal, says Simon Heffer.

8. Our revolution's doing what Saleh can't – uniting Yemen (Guardian)

Yemen's struggle to overthrow the president has brought stability and peace to a country riven by conflict, says Tawakkol Karman. This is truly historic.

9. Can we really judge the past by the present? (Times) (£)

Matthew Parris on the brutality of empire – and the cover-ups which show that colonial officials knew their actions were wrong.

10. One year on: the sun is shining, my life is starting again (Times) (£)

The Times columnist Melanie Reid broke her neck 12 months ago. Now she's back home.

Screengrab from Telegraph video
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The Telegraph’s bizarre list of 100 reasons to be happy about Brexit

“Old-fashioned light bulbs”, “crooked cucumbers”, and “new vocabulary”.

As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.

The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:

Cheap tennis balls

At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.

Keep paper licences

I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.

New hangover cures

What?

Stronger vacuums

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.

Old-fashioned light bulbs

I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.

No more EU elections

Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.

End working time directive

At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!

Drop green targets

Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.

No more wind farms

Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.

Blue passports

I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.

UK passport lane

Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.

No fridge red tape

Free the fridge!

Pounds and ounces

Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.

Straight bananas

Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.

Crooked cucumbers

I don’t understand.

Small kiwi fruits

Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.

No EU flags in UK

They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.

Kent champagne

To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?

No olive oil bans

Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.

No clinical trials red tape

What is there to regulate?

No Turkey EU worries

True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.

No kettle restrictions

Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!

Less EU X-factor

What is this?

Ditto with BGT

I really don’t get this.

New vocabulary

Mainly racist slurs, right?

Keep our UN seat

Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.

No EU human rights laws

Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.

Herbal remedy boost

At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.

Others will follow [picture of dominos]

Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!

Better English team

Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?

High-powered hairdryers

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.

She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]

Well, I’m convinced.

I'm a mole, innit.