CommentPlus: pick of the papers

The ten must-read pieces from the Sunday papers.

1. A health plan fit for Daniel Hannan (Independent on Sunday)

Andy Burnham warns that the coalition's health white paper represents the most dangerous threat to the NHS since its creation.

2. £200,000 for a head teacher? Does that strike you as being fair? (Observer)

The case of the head teacher Mark Elms, who earns £200,000-plus a year, provides us with a rare opportunity to define what we mean by fairness, writes Will Hutton.

3. New ways of speaking to a "special" friend (Independent on Sunday)

Ahead of David Cameron's first visit to Washington as Prime Minister, John Rentoul says his first task is to explain what a Liberal Conservative is.

4. American politics has caught the British disease (Sunday Telegraph)

Elsewhere, Janet Daley says that, thanks to Barack Obama's European-style government, America has learned about the titanic force of class differences.

5. Labour needs to talk about Gordon. Otherwise it will repeat its failures (Observer)

Until Labour honestly reflects on Gordon Brown's catastrophic premiership, the party will be telling itself the same lies that led to its defeat, says Andrew Rawnsley.

6. Isn't a graduate tax just plain dumb? (Sunday Times)

A graduate tax would deprive universities of yet more autonomy and leave them largely indifferent to the wishes of students, warns Minette Marrin.

7. Michael Gove has found that Whitehall is a difficult beast to master (Sunday Telegraph)

The coalition must struggle to reverse the civil service view that bigger government is better government, says Andrew Gilligan.

8. A steady drip of vintage poisons (News of the World)

The rows over Peter Mandelson's memoirs make the coalition government look like an oasis of sanity, writes Fraser Nelson.

9. Mandelson deserves better than these snide shots (Observer)

But elsewhere, Barbara Ellen argues that Mandelson should be commended for remaining good-humoured and composed throughout all the catcalling.

10. A greener world begins at home (Independent on Sunday)

The developed world must prove that high standards of living can be compatible with environmental sustainability, says a leader in the Independent on Sunday.

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The Telegraph’s bizarre list of 100 reasons to be happy about Brexit

“Old-fashioned light bulbs”, “crooked cucumbers”, and “new vocabulary”.

As the economy teeters on the verge of oblivion, and the Prime Minister grapples with steering the UK around a black hole of political turmoil, the Telegraph is making the best of a bad situation.

The paper has posted a video labelled “100 reasons to embrace Brexit”. Obviously the precise number is “zero”, but that didn’t stop it filling the blanks with some rather bizarre reasons, floating before the viewer to an inevitable Jerusalem soundtrack:

Cheap tennis balls

At last. Tennis balls are no longer reserved for the gilded eurocrat elite.

Keep paper licences

I can’t trust it unless I can get it wet so it disintegrates, or I can throw it in the bin by mistake, or lose it when I’m clearing out my filing cabinet. It’s only authentic that way.

New hangover cures

What?

Stronger vacuums

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to hoover up dust by inhaling close to the carpet.

Old-fashioned light bulbs

I like my electricals filled with mercury and coated in lead paint, ideally.

No more EU elections

Because the democratic aspect of the European Union was something we never obsessed over in the run-up to the referendum.

End working time directive

At last, I don’t even have to go to the trouble of opting out of over-working! I will automatically be exploited!

Drop green targets

Most people don’t have time to worry about the future of our planet. Some don’t even know where their next tennis ball will come from.

No more wind farms

Renewable energy sources, infrastructure and investment – what a bore.

Blue passports

I like my personal identification how I like my rinse.

UK passport lane

Oh good, an unadulterated queue of British tourists. Just mind the vomit, beer spillage and flakes of sunburnt skin while you wait.

No fridge red tape

Free the fridge!

Pounds and ounces

Units of measurement are definitely top of voters’ priorities. Way above the economy, health service, and even a smidgen higher than equality of tennis ball access.

Straight bananas

Wait, what kind of bananas do Brexiteers want? Didn’t they want to protect bendy ones? Either way, this is as persistent a myth as the slapstick banana skin trope.

Crooked cucumbers

I don’t understand.

Small kiwi fruits

Fair enough. They were getting a bit above their station, weren’t they.

No EU flags in UK

They are a disgusting colour and design. An eyesore everywhere you look…in the uh zero places that fly them here.

Kent champagne

To celebrate Ukip cleaning up the east coast, right?

No olive oil bans

Finally, we can put our reliable, Mediterranean weather and multiple olive groves to proper use.

No clinical trials red tape

What is there to regulate?

No Turkey EU worries

True, we don’t have to worry. Because there is NO WAY AND NEVER WAS.

No kettle restrictions

Free the kettle! All kitchen appliances’ lives matter!

Less EU X-factor

What is this?

Ditto with BGT

I really don’t get this.

New vocabulary

Mainly racist slurs, right?

Keep our UN seat

Until that in/out UN referendum, of course.

No EU human rights laws

Yeah, got a bit fed up with my human rights tbh.

Herbal remedy boost

At last, a chance to be treated with medicine that doesn’t work.

Others will follow [picture of dominos]

Hooray! The economic collapse of countries surrounding us upon whose trade and labour we rely, one by one!

Better English team

Ah, because we can replace them with more qualified players under an Australian-style points-based system, you mean?

High-powered hairdryers

An end to the miserable years of desperately trying to dry my hair by yawning on it.

She would’ve wanted it [picture of Margaret Thatcher]

Well, I’m convinced.

I'm a mole, innit.