Morning Call: pick of the comment

The ten must-read pieces from this morning's newspapers

1. This is not class war (Guardian)

The Schools Secretary, Ed Balls, uses the first working day of the new year to launch into pre-election rhetoric. Labour has always fought for the many, not the few, he says, and Tory claims to do the same are a con trick

2. A simple way to keep law and order -- make everyone kiss and cuddle (Telegraph)

Over at the Telegraph, the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, writes a light-hearted piece arguing that people are often frustrated by a complicated justice system when all they want is an apology.

3. China -- handle with care (Daily Telegraph)

The emotional condemnation that followed the execution of Akmal Shaikh is exactly the wrong way to deal with the world's next superpower, writes Malcolm Moore from Shanghai. Britain's tone must emphasise respect, although it may not agree with all of Beijing's policies.

4. The west's preaching to the east must stop (Financial Times)

Meanwhile, at the FT, Ronnie Chan argues that the west must get used to the new global reality -- it will not be as dominant as it was in the past, which could result in a better and safer world.

5. The world must tread carefully in Yemen (Independent)

The terror threat from Yemen cannot be ignored, but other countries must ensure that, before anything else, they do not make matters worse.

6. The war on terror has been about scaring people, not protecting them (Guardian)

The ease with which the plane bomber could operate exposes the vacuity and recklessness at the heart of the US response to 9/11, says Gary Younge. Measures have done little to protect us, but much to radicalise ever-growing numbers of people.

7. Britain doesn't need a dose of shock therapy (Times)

Commentary on Britain's economy has come to resemble tabloid reporting on the World Cup, argues Bill Emmott. We'll have to endure some pain over the next few years, but ignore the pundits -- the economy isn't a basket case.

8. Well done, P D James. But will the BBC get the message? (Independent)

Yasmin Alibhai-Brown says she loves the BBC, but the most prestigious political programmes and documentaries are not open to "people like us".

9. Belching cows can help to rescue our planet (Times)

Although the prodigious methane output of cattle is bad for the environment, Graham Harvey puts forward the argument that their grazing on grass will soak up carbon.

10. Unlearnt lessons of the Great Depression (Financial Times)

The Princeton academic Harold James analyses parallels between now and the Great Depression of the 1930s, and considers the lessons we should learn from this.

 

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If there’s no booze or naked women, what’s the point of being a footballer?

Peter Crouch came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

At a professional league ground near you, the following conversation will be taking place. After an excellent morning training session, in which the players all worked hard, and didn’t wind up the assistant coach they all hate, or cut the crotch out of the new trousers belonging to the reserve goalie, the captain or some senior player will go into the manager’s office.

“Hi, gaffer. Just thought I’d let you know that we’ve booked the Salvation Hall. They’ll leave the table-tennis tables in place, so we’ll probably have a few games, as it’s the players’ Christmas party, OK?”

“FECKING CHRISTMAS PARTY!? I TOLD YOU NO CHRISTMAS PARTIES THIS YEAR. NOT AFTER LAST YEAR. GERROUT . . .”

So the captain has to cancel the booking – which was actually at the Salvation Go Go Gentlemen’s Club on the high street, plus the Saucy Sporty Strippers, who specialise in naked table tennis.

One of the attractions for youths, when they dream of being a footballer or a pop star, is not just imagining themselves number one in the Prem or number one in the hit parade, but all the girls who’ll be clambering for them. Young, thrusting politicians have similar fantasies. Alas, it doesn’t always work out.

Today, we have all these foreign managers and foreign players coming here, not pinching our women (they’re too busy for that), but bringing foreign customs about diet and drink and no sex at half-time. Rotters, ruining the simple pleasures of our brave British lads which they’ve enjoyed for over a century.

The tabloids recently went all pious when poor old Wayne Rooney was seen standing around drinking till the early hours at the England team hotel after their win over Scotland. He’d apparently been invited to a wedding that happened to be going on there. What I can’t understand is: why join a wedding party for total strangers? Nothing more boring than someone else’s wedding. Why didn’t he stay in the bar and get smashed?

Even odder was the behaviour of two other England stars, Adam Lallana and Jordan Henderson. They made a 220-mile round trip from their hotel in Hertfordshire to visit a strip club, For Your Eyes Only, in Bournemouth. Bournemouth! Don’t they have naked women in Herts? I thought one of the points of having all these millions – and a vast office staff employed by your agent – is that anything you want gets fixed for you. Why couldn’t dancing girls have been shuttled into another hotel down the road? Or even to the lads’ own hotel, dressed as French maids?

In the years when I travelled with the Spurs team, it was quite common in provincial towns, after a Saturday game, for players to pick up girls at a local club and share them out.

Like top pop stars, top clubs have fixers who can sort out most problems, and pleasures, as well as smart solicitors and willing police superintendents to clear up the mess afterwards.

The England players had a night off, so they weren’t breaking any rules, even though they were going to play Spain 48 hours later. It sounds like off-the-cuff, spontaneous, home-made fun. In Wayne’s case, he probably thought he was doing good, being approachable, as England captain.

Quite why the other two went to Bournemouth was eventually revealed by one of the tabloids. It is Lallana’s home town. He obviously said to Jordan Henderson, “Hey Hendo, I know a cool club. They always look after me. Quick, jump into my Bentley . . .”

They spent only two hours at the club. Henderson drank water. Lallana had a beer. Don’t call that much of a night out.

In the days of Jimmy Greaves, Tony Adams, Roy Keane, or Gazza in his pomp, they’d have been paralytic. It was common for players to arrive for training still drunk, not having been to bed.

Peter Crouch, the former England player, 6ft 7in, now on the fringes at Stoke, came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 01 December 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Age of outrage