Morning call: pick of the comment

The ten must-read pieces from this morning's newspapers

1. If politicians want to be trusted again, they must learn to listen (Daily Telegraph)

Jeremy Hunt MP, the Tory shadow culture secretary, argues that the internet decentralises power, giving people more control over their lives and allowing them to hold their leaders to account.

2. Justice in pay packets starts at the top. Across the board (Guardian)

Finally, moves are afoot to restrain out-of-control salaries -- in the public sector. But the problem orginates with private firms. Polly Toynbee argues for restrictions across the board, and greater respect for public-sector workers.

3. Voters will always go for Santa, not Scrooge (Times)

Optimism and pessimism will be the dividing line for the next election, argues Rachel Sylvester, looking at Cameron's and Brown's approaches so far.

4. The familiar road to failure in Afghanistan (Financial Times)

Sir Rodric Braithwaite, the former ambassador to Moscow, says Britain must learn the lessons of history in Afghanistan: no one has explained convincingly why we should succeed where the Russians and, previously, the British themselves failed, or why the war will prevent terrorism at home.

5. David Cameron needs to reclaim the centre ground (Independent)

The latest ComRes poll in today's Independent shows that voters still view the Tories as out of touch. The leading article argues that this is because the Conservative message has become increasingly contradictory.

6. Copenhagen: well that made us think, didn't it? (Times)

Agreement was always going to be almost impossible, says David Aaronovitch. But it wasn't a waste of time: it gave us a crash course in eco-education, presenting us with a "map of where we really are" and what needs to be done.

7. If you want to know who's to blame for Copenhagen, look to the US Senate (Guardian)

George Monbiot is less positive, arguing that Barack Obama's attempt to put China in the frame for failure had its origins in the absence of US campaign finance reform. China made problems, but equally the US "demanded concessions while offering nothing".

8. Time to take off the blinkers in business class (Financial Times)

There cannot be one rule for the banks and another for the rest of society, says Michael Skapinker. The banks -- which have behaved petulantly -- must show why they are necessary.

9. Where have all the big beasts gone? (Independent)

Even when Labour was slaughtered in 1983, it had a galaxy of stars and potential leaders. Steve Richards discusses the dearth of stars, which he blames on a lack of party conviction.

10. Factory schools don't give real education (Times)

A ten-hour day could close the attainment gap between state and private, but only if used well, says Anthony Seldon, discussing a scheme by the Sutton Trust to improve the education of those from deprived backgrounds.

 

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If there’s no booze or naked women, what’s the point of being a footballer?

Peter Crouch came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

At a professional league ground near you, the following conversation will be taking place. After an excellent morning training session, in which the players all worked hard, and didn’t wind up the assistant coach they all hate, or cut the crotch out of the new trousers belonging to the reserve goalie, the captain or some senior player will go into the manager’s office.

“Hi, gaffer. Just thought I’d let you know that we’ve booked the Salvation Hall. They’ll leave the table-tennis tables in place, so we’ll probably have a few games, as it’s the players’ Christmas party, OK?”

“FECKING CHRISTMAS PARTY!? I TOLD YOU NO CHRISTMAS PARTIES THIS YEAR. NOT AFTER LAST YEAR. GERROUT . . .”

So the captain has to cancel the booking – which was actually at the Salvation Go Go Gentlemen’s Club on the high street, plus the Saucy Sporty Strippers, who specialise in naked table tennis.

One of the attractions for youths, when they dream of being a footballer or a pop star, is not just imagining themselves number one in the Prem or number one in the hit parade, but all the girls who’ll be clambering for them. Young, thrusting politicians have similar fantasies. Alas, it doesn’t always work out.

Today, we have all these foreign managers and foreign players coming here, not pinching our women (they’re too busy for that), but bringing foreign customs about diet and drink and no sex at half-time. Rotters, ruining the simple pleasures of our brave British lads which they’ve enjoyed for over a century.

The tabloids recently went all pious when poor old Wayne Rooney was seen standing around drinking till the early hours at the England team hotel after their win over Scotland. He’d apparently been invited to a wedding that happened to be going on there. What I can’t understand is: why join a wedding party for total strangers? Nothing more boring than someone else’s wedding. Why didn’t he stay in the bar and get smashed?

Even odder was the behaviour of two other England stars, Adam Lallana and Jordan Henderson. They made a 220-mile round trip from their hotel in Hertfordshire to visit a strip club, For Your Eyes Only, in Bournemouth. Bournemouth! Don’t they have naked women in Herts? I thought one of the points of having all these millions – and a vast office staff employed by your agent – is that anything you want gets fixed for you. Why couldn’t dancing girls have been shuttled into another hotel down the road? Or even to the lads’ own hotel, dressed as French maids?

In the years when I travelled with the Spurs team, it was quite common in provincial towns, after a Saturday game, for players to pick up girls at a local club and share them out.

Like top pop stars, top clubs have fixers who can sort out most problems, and pleasures, as well as smart solicitors and willing police superintendents to clear up the mess afterwards.

The England players had a night off, so they weren’t breaking any rules, even though they were going to play Spain 48 hours later. It sounds like off-the-cuff, spontaneous, home-made fun. In Wayne’s case, he probably thought he was doing good, being approachable, as England captain.

Quite why the other two went to Bournemouth was eventually revealed by one of the tabloids. It is Lallana’s home town. He obviously said to Jordan Henderson, “Hey Hendo, I know a cool club. They always look after me. Quick, jump into my Bentley . . .”

They spent only two hours at the club. Henderson drank water. Lallana had a beer. Don’t call that much of a night out.

In the days of Jimmy Greaves, Tony Adams, Roy Keane, or Gazza in his pomp, they’d have been paralytic. It was common for players to arrive for training still drunk, not having been to bed.

Peter Crouch, the former England player, 6ft 7in, now on the fringes at Stoke, came out with one of the wittiest football lines. When asked what he thought he would have been but for football, he replied: “A virgin.”

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 01 December 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Age of outrage