US press: pick of the papers

The ten must-read opinion pieces from today's US papers.

1. Obama's lucky break (Washington Post)

It's nine months until Election Day, but President Obama is already bringing out the big guns, writes Dana Milbank.

2. The Zuckerberg Tax (New York Times)

To fix a flaw in our tax system, mark-to-market taxation would require the superwealthy to pay at least a little income tax on their unsold stock shares, says David S. Miller.

3. Empowering Burma's voices of change (Politico)

After almost a half-century of military dictatorship, Burma is now sending signals that it is ready to change direction and rebuild its relationship with the United States, writes Sen. John F. Kerry.

4. Obama and Romney exhibit striking similarities (Washington Post)

The general election is shaping up as a contest between two remarkably similar men, says Ruth Marcus.

5. ObamaCare's Great Awakening (Wall Street Journal)

HHS tells religious believers to go to hell. The public notices, says this editorial.

6. All eyes on Israel: Will it act against world's best interest? (Star Tribune)

Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta is refreshingly frank, sometimes stunningly so, writes Trudy Rubin.

7. America's culture is coming apart at the seams (Chicago Tribune)

This may sound a little odd, but I believe that I need to pay more attention to white people, writes Clarence Page.

8. What Wikipedia Won't Tell You (New York Times)

Policy makers had recognized a constitutional (and economic) imperative to protect American property from theft, to shield consumers from counterfeit products and fraud, and to combat foreign criminals who exploit technology to steal American ingenuity and jobs, writes Carey H. Sherman.

9. 'Super' subliminal politics in Chrysler ad? (San Francisco Chronicle)

It would be hard to craft a more perfect soft-sell pitch for President Obama's re-election than Chrysler's "It's Halftime in America" Super Bowl spot featuring Clint Eastwood, argues this editorial.

10. Why Mitt Romney? He's ready to rebuild American success (Washington Times)

The time has come for the Republican Party to close the deal. I believe Mitt Romney is the best choice for the presidency, says Donald J. Trump.

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A night out at the Punderdome 3000

Becca Rothfeld watches Brooklyn’s best punners battle it out with headline writers from the New York Post.

Girls just want to have pun, so last week I headed to Punderdome 3000, an epic pun-making competition at the Highline Ballroom in Chelsea. The event pitted previous Punderdome winners against headline writers from the US tabloid the New York Post, best known for gems such as “Osama Bin wankin’” (when US officials unearthed Osama Bin Laden’s personal stash of pornography) and “Headless body in topless bar” (self-explanatory).

Broad-shouldered and apparently corporate types nursed overpriced cocktails while women teetered tipsily in heels. The crowd seemed ill-fitted to the proceedings, which wed the raucous atmosphere of a fraternity party with the cringing embarrassment of a high-school talent show. When the hosts, Fred Firestone and “his alleged daughter”, the local comedian Jo Firestone, called on members of the audience to complete a series of terrible puns, I braced myself for an evening of campy spectacle. “When chemists die, we . . .?” they cried, to which the crowd responded in unison, “Barium!”

Gradually the teeterers and I succumbed to the earnest charm of the punners, who competed under pseudonyms such as Daft Pun and Forrest Wittyker. In the first round, reigning Punderdome champions had 90 seconds to come up with two minutes of puns on a given topic. The results were assessed by the Human Clap-O-Meter, a device operated by a blindfolded volunteer who moved a pointer to reflect spectator sentiment. The rankings ranged from “rotten tomato” (near silence) to “punderful” (thunderous applause). Riffing on “the digestive system”, the punner Words Nightmare vowed not to date men without feet, as she’s “lack-toes-intolerant”.

A panel of “celebrity judges” offered input during the elimination rounds. There was Bevy Smith, co-host of the television show Fashion Queens; Pat Kiernan, a morning news anchor of the NY1 news station; and Éric Ripert, a chef of the three-Michelin-starred restaurant Le Bernardin – a Frenchman who speaks English poorly with a thick accent and was an illogical choice of judge (“Between the accent and the not knowing what’s going on it will be hard, but I will romaine calm,” he assured spectators).

In the final round, Ally Spier (Words Nightmare) and Jerry Gwiazdowski (Jargon Slayer) faced two New York Post writers for high-stakes prizes: “New York bragging rights” and the contents of two “mystery boxes”. The teams were asked to come up with pithy headlines for a piece that originally appeared in the Huffington Post under the punless title “Student forgets to plug in his headphones while watching porn”. Clad in matching “Headless Body in Topless Bar” T-shirts, the Post writers held their own with “Oral exam”, “He got a D” and “He studied hard”. But the Punderdomers triumphed with “Audio-erotic”, “Wacks on, wacks off” and “Masterbeats by Dre”.

The event put a face to the anonymous voices behind a local institution. “At work, it’s work, but here, there’s so much enthusiasm that it’s not work, it’s just fun,” Billy Heller, the deputy features editor of the Post and a Punderdome 3000 finalist told me. It was a wonderfully weird and wonderfully shameless way to spend an evening in New York. 

This article first appeared in the 27 August 2015 issue of the New Statesman, Isis and the new barbarism