Morning Call: pick of the papers

The ten must-read comment pieces from this morning's papers.

1. It should've been clear deposing Gaddafi was the easy bit (Guardian)

The west has once again started a fire it cannot extinguish, says Simon Tisdall.

2. Not Ofqual? Not Gove? Is no one responsible for the exam fiasco? (Independent)

It’s not that ministers wield too much power over our education system – but rather that they don’t wield enough, says Steve Richards

3. Mere abuse won’t silence us on assisted dying (Times) (£)

The Health Minister ’s critics don’t have any evidence — only trumped-up platitudes, says Terry Pratchett.

4. Russia begins its slow pivot to Asia (Financial Times)

Moscow is looking to the east but has a lot of catching up to do, writes David Pilling.

5. The victims of a prejudice against my city (Independent)

Deep-seated prejudices about "wallowing" Scousers have kept the Hillsborough injustice in the dark for too long, writes Jane Merrick.

6. Infighting could scupper welfare reform (Daily Telegraph)

David Cameron needs to get a grip before the universal credit scheme fails, warns Sue Camer

7. A Burberry-style profits warning is nothing to envy (Guardian)

The rich think their luxury lifestyles are coveted, writes Zoe Williams. But that's not the feeling that immodest spending evinces these days.

8. The euro’s demise may be the final chapter of the ERM debacle (Daily Telegraph)

The drama of 1992 showed why Germany cannot lead Europe out of a monetary crisis, says Jeremy Warner.

9. Psychodrama hears Conservative voices (Financial Times)

Voters are doomed to endless performances in which rightwing MPs invoke the spirit of Thatcher, says Robert Shrimsley.

10. Boris Johnson is no laughing matter (Guardian)

The mayor of London did not deliver the Olympics but is sucking up the credit for them, writes Suzanne Moore.

 

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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.