Cameron's trade minister in the firing line over HSBC scandal

Labour says Tory minister Stephen Green, the bank's former head, has "serious questions to answer".

It was with a hint of mischief that Labour declared this morning that trade minister and Conservative peer Stephen Green, the former executive chairman of HSBC, had "serious questions to answer" over the drug money laundering scandal. It was this formulation, of course, that George Osborne employed in his now-famous attack on Ed Balls over the Libor scandal.

Labour's cause is aided by the fact that the former is by far the greater scandal. In the words of US senators, HSBC was used as a conduit by "drug kingpins and rogue nations" to transfer billions in illicit proceeds to the United States betwen 2004-10. The bank's culture was, they concluded, "pervasively polluted". It was Green, who left HSBC in December 2010 to take up his ministerial post, who was at the bank's helm throughout the period in question, first as chief executive and then as group chairman.

During his time at HSBC, he was widely regarded as the acceptable face of banking. An ordained Church of England priest and the author of Serving God? Serving Mammon?, a reflection on the morality of capitalism, Green wrote in the New Statesman in 2009 that "the value of our business is dependent on the values with which we do our business. Better risk management, enhanced regulation, codification of directors’ responsibilities in company law – all these things are necessary. But they are not, nor can they be, sufficient without a culture of moral values. As individuals, we do not regulate our behaviour simply by what is allowed under the law. We take responsibility for our actions. The organs of capitalism – businesses, banks and other financial institutions – have to do the same." Laudable words, but Green must now explain why HSCB entirely failed to live up to them.

The bank now faces a "substantial" fine of up to $1bn and a criminal investigation by the US Department of Justice. Should evidence emerge that Green was either unwilling or unable to intervene, his position could be under threat.

Trade minister and Conservative peer Stephen Green led HSBC from 2003-2010. Photograph: Getty Images.

George Eaton is political editor of the New Statesman.

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For the first time in my life I have a sworn enemy – and I don’t even know her name

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

Last month, I made an enemy. I do not say this lightly, and I certainly don’t say it with pride, as a more aggressive male might. Throughout my life I have avoided confrontation with a scrupulousness that an unkind observer would call out-and-out cowardice. A waiter could bring the wrong order, cold and crawling with maggots, and in response to “How is everything?” I’d still manage a grin and a “lovely, thanks”.

On the Underground, I’m so wary of being a bad citizen that I often give up my seat to people who aren’t pregnant, aren’t significantly older than me, and in some cases are far better equipped to stand than I am. If there’s one thing I am not, it’s any sort of provocateur. And yet now this: a feud.

And I don’t even know my enemy’s name.

She was on a bike when I accidentally entered her life. I was pushing a buggy and I wandered – rashly, in her view – into her path. There’s little doubt that I was to blame: walking on the road while in charge of a minor is not something encouraged by the Highway Code. In my defence, it was a quiet, suburban street; the cyclist was the only vehicle of any kind; and I was half a street’s length away from physically colliding with her. It was the misjudgment of a sleep-deprived parent rather than an act of malice.

The cyclist, though, was enraged. “THAT’S CLEVER, ISN’T IT?” she yelled. “WALKING IN THE ROAD!”

I was stung by what someone on The Apprentice might refer to as her negative feedback, and walked on with a redoubled sense of the parental inadequacy that is my default state even at the best of times.

A sad little incident, but a one-off, you would think. Only a week later, though, I was walking in a different part of town, this time without the toddler and engrossed in my phone. Again, I accept my culpability in crossing the road without paying due attention; again, I have to point out that it was only a “close shave” in the sense that meteorites are sometimes reported to have “narrowly missed crashing into the Earth” by 50,000 miles. It might have merited, at worst, a reproving ting of the bell. Instead came a familiar voice. “IT’S YOU AGAIN!” she yelled, wrathfully.

This time the shock brought a retort out of me, probably the harshest thing I have ever shouted at a stranger: “WHY ARE YOU SO UNPLEASANT?”

None of this is X-rated stuff, but it adds up to what I can only call a vendetta – something I never expected to pick up on the way to Waitrose. So I am writing this, as much as anything, in the spirit of rapprochement. I really believe that our third meeting, whenever it comes, can be a much happier affair. People can change. Who knows: maybe I’ll even be walking on the pavement

Mark Watson is a stand-up comedian and novelist. His most recent book, Crap at the Environment, follows his own efforts to halve his carbon footprint over one year.

This article first appeared in the 20 October 2016 issue of the New Statesman, Brothers in blood