Simon Munnery

One can only know true misery in hot weather; everything else is at least partially absence of sun. Similarly one can only know true loneliness when surrounded by friends; everything else is at least partially absence of friends. It follows that if you wish to know the truest misery and loneliness possible you must gather you friends and family around you and go to some warm and beautiful place. You ... read more

MEAN -ing is what I have been thinking about recently. Take the oft repeated though seldom spoken phrase "Tesco, every little helps" for example.

What does it mean? It has a noun at the beginning followed by two adjectives with a verb at the end; a most unusual structure - one hesitates to call it a sentence - unique, I believe; and ambiguous. Every little what helps ... read more

Recently I've been thinking about green things: Broccoli, courgettes, cabbage - the medicine of the poor as twas known.

My grandmother swore by it, and would wrap a leaf round an infected wound to "draw the poison out", she also bashed the top of boiled eggs "to let the witches out" but that's another story.

I've lied to my daughter consistently since birth on one subject. I tell her ... read more

Recently I've been thinking about stars. They're so far away. Perhaps that's part of their appeal. To view one properly you have to use a telescope - or a newspaper. Celebrity is a misnomer. They are not celebrated but castigated. You never read about an ex- Big Brother contestant who is doing something good - nursing for example. It's always fights in nightclubs. Perhaps castigees might be a better description. ... read more

Recently I've been thinking about bras. Who hasn't? They're everywhere these days: on television, advertising hordings, women's bodies. Men's bodies sometimes; I am wearing one now as I type this, as a form of research. And I am a man. Oh yes - and determined to remain one, despite all the provocation, and the doctors' efforts.

Bras disgust me. They intrigue me. They delight me. But most of all they ... read more

Recently I've been travelling a lot by car. I am aware that this does not mark me out as unusual. Never before have so many travelled so far, so fast, and so frequently.

Never in the field - always on the motorway, always at the services, a stranger waiting to be served by a stranger. Amazing race without victors, the parade of chariots, the endless road: it's a life ... read more

Recently I have been undergoing Yule. The oft levelled criticism that Christmas has become "too commercialised" is seldom applied to warfare. I imagine in the good old days war was a bit of a laugh; a big stick, a month away from the wife, constant drinking, carousing with wenches, and a little bit of fighting. Sadly these days it has changed, changed utterly: it's a push button world.

I've ... read more

Recently I have been playing a lot of pool. I love the camaraderie, the banishment of worry, even the sound the balls make when they collide: I'm a clack addict.

Tracing back my addictions I wondered what was the first. Air, I realised, followed by milk - and like a fool I mixed them.

A couple of years ago I gave up smoking, and took up telling people ... read more

Recently I have been looking at schools; not as a novel leisure pursuit or shrewd investment opportunity, but with the purpose of choosing one for my eldest to attend.

The law dictates that children must be educated and although I feel slightly cowardly for not flouting the law, I do not wish to end up in a cell again. That five stretch scarred me.

Five long hours of solitary ... read more