Are we to believe that being Canadian is more significant than being Gay? Simon Munnery's welcome return to newstatesman.com
I came out of my front door the other day and there was a man walking past on the phone going "…yeah yeah yeah I got Sky - but you’ll never guess what I’m getting next: floorboards…". It’s a question of priorities I suppose: With a sofa by the door for pizza deliveries and a good remote you’d hardly need flooring.
The sky is better than Sky©TM; no repeats; very ... read more
You can't scare monks with shellsuits
"Look" they say, don’t they? People generally and Australian media figures particularly - politicians, experts, opinion mongers. It’s the verbal equivalent of grabbing the listener by the lapels. "Look mate, it’s like this..." meaning, "your arguments, facts, whatever are all very well; but look at things from my perspective and you’ll see." It precedes not a rebuttal or refutation (that would be "No, mate..." and might lead to genuine debate) ... read more
The whole phenomenon of television cookery is a little baffling; the one thing that isn’t transmitted by TV is taste
Too many cooks spoil the broth; unless it is cook broth.
Poor Gordon Ramsay: His super enlarged face looms from billboards all over town. His image dwarfs him - anyone meeting him from now on cannot help but be subconsciously disappointed that his head isn’t six feet wide. "He seems so small in real life", they’ll say.
Before the billboards impinged upon my eyes I’d only been dimly aware of ... read more
The true origins of the Edinburgh Festival based on a fact
Here I be, Edinburgh festival, goldfish bowl, cauldron of the vanities, ensconced.
It's tough at the top, they say, the ones at the top presumably, to remind us to not even try it. It's not particularly easy at the bottom. It's tough baby, tough - was that not what you wanted? You came here to suffer; don't you remember? Perhaps you've changed your mind; very well then change your mind: ... read more
I am a hunter-journalist. Why should I feel ashamed for killing a mouse?
Less than an hour ago for the first time I killed a mouse with my bare hands. Well, not bare hands: I did it with my wife's shoe.
Hadn't seen one for ages; thought we'd got rid of them. Heard a noise in the kitchen; investigated and saw it. I stood still. So did the mouse. For ages. I thought "Can I get it?". I noticed the shoe. (I'd noticed ... read more
'Never a borrower or a lender be,' my Uncle used to say, and perhaps inevitably the bank sacked him
Recently I’ve been thinking about the many forms of help.
Advice is the easiest to give, and the least use.
President Truman said: "I’ve found the best way to give advice to my children is to find out what they want to do, and then advise them to do it."
"If you want my advice…” folk say, and before you’ve had a chance to say “No! No! A thousand ... read more
Simon Munnery says what he would do if he was prime minister giving us a glimpse of a brighter world in which he would also be king
I’m informed there’s been a change of leader. I feel as a passenger on a long-haul flight might when woken at 4am to be informed that for the rest of the journey the co-pilot will be at the controls: almost indifferent.
The outgoing leader wanted history to be his judge. That’s good; so let’s not even talk about him. We’re encouraged to condemn our leaders, but is that fair? Shouldn’t ... read more
"It’s easy if you try," sang John Lennon. He was wrong
Everything you’ve known will be swept away. Sometimes I lay in bed trying to recall the faces and names of my class at primary school. They come back in dribs and drabs but overall there is so little I can remember of those seven years, and anyway a fair proportion of my memories are of photographs - secondary memories - and it strikes me with horror that I can never ... read more
Shouting on the phone is picking a fight with someone you cannot have a fight with; ideal for bullies and cowards
A man walks down the street shouting expletives at the top of his voice. Is he mad? Or on the phone? And since - from a distance at least - you cannot tell which, may we conclude that they are equivalent; that shouting on the phone is a form of madness? Certainly it makes no sense; the increased volume is not transmitted; the signal breaks up; and the person on ... read more
Being rude but getting away with it - every child’s dream
We are drawn to the coast. Well, dragged there by our parents initially. Look at the sea; remember the past. Look at the sky; imagine the future. Look at the land; think of the present. And at the most profound place, where land, sea, and sky are one - there ye shall play volleyball. What is it about the sight of a flat horizon that eases the mind? ... read more
The less you know the more dangerous you are
Recently someone said to me “You’re a writer; what do you write?” “Notes mostly” I replied. Endless reams of half thoughts, beginnings of novels, ends of monologues, choruses of songs, diagrams, calculations, plans; fragments and seeds destined never to germinate cast as they have been on the stoney ground of my indifference. And that’s the good stuff: it’s mainly scribble. Here’s a selection.
Socrates said “I know that I know ... read more
Prince Harry, Bob Dylan and a revolution for the Post Office
Recently I was struck by an idea. It makes a change from bottles. It’s a simple idea and it is this: The post office alone should maintain a database with everyone’s address; so that to write to someone one need only put the person’s name on the envelope and a machine in the sorting office would automatically add the other details. Then, when you move house, you need only inform ... read more
"Do, or do not - there is no try", as one of the Muppets said in that Star Wars film. As you said above, this is nonsense. Trying is how you become able to do. "Whatever you're already doing...
From Daniel Earwicker, 30 October 12:10
Should the alternative vote be used for Westminster elections?
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