Hoo-has and passing frenzies
Why do books about female sexuality always end up with such terrifying covers?
So, here's the thing. Naomi Wolf has written a book about vaginas (or should that be vaginae, Latin nerds?) which comes out this autumn. It's sure to be much talked about, particularly as it promises to "radically reframe how we understand the vagina".
There's only one problem, and if your eye has already started to stray down this page, you'll know what it is. Books about female sexuality obviously can't put a picture of what they're about on the cover; there would be carnage at WH Smith's. So instead they rely on pictures of buds, flowers or figs, or suggestive ovals filled with stuff.
And oh look, here's the provisional Wolf cover on Amazon UK. Look, it's a lovely flower, unfurling:
But if you think that's twee, how about this? Erica Jong's book about sex, Sugar In My Bowl, is illustrated with a picture that makes me think of a poor woman going to the bathroom and three packets of Skittles falling out of her pants.
OK, so you want to avoid twee . . . Why not go for shudder-inducing instead? These ladies want you to read their lips. Their green, fuzzy, dew-dappled lips.
Now, this one might be my favourite. Who knew a pair of purses could make a person feel profoundly uncomfortable?
Then there's the frankly baffling. I don't think this a symbol of female genitalia, but by this point I'm just not sure.
If all this flower-and-fruit fiesta leaves you cold, why not go minimalist? Here's Vaginas: An Owner's Manual.
(Quick digression: why does Candice "Carrie Bradshaw" Bushnell think every woman needs an "owner's manual" for their vagina? Do they break down often? do the AA not cover them?)
Mm, appreciate the purity of the pink slit.
Then think to yourself: this looks like a paper cut. Ouch.
Even the French love a fig-based metaphor. This is global:
The long and short of it is that there is, apparently, no way to illustrate a book about hoo-has without coming across as either a tittering idiot, a speculum-wielding literalist or a wafty hippyish obfuscator.
And so on to my absolute favourite, which hits all the boxes: terrible punning title, big juicy fig (update: papaya?), and then adds in a little something magic.
A vague looming banana. Brilliant.
Here are a few submissions from readers. First, behold a new metaphorical fruit, the avocado:
More unfurling buds, via @SamCarelse
And to prove even album covers aren't immune, this from @questingvole
And to show that things are just as bad for boys when it comes to BAD FRUIT METAPHORS:
Do you think that's how Sadie's friends introduce her to strangers? "Have you met Sadie - she's a Penis Genius, you know!"
Finally, a suggestive book cover that is actually rather thoughtful and clever (Shock! Horror!), via @lcdabdoujaparov