It’s time we grew out of PDC (public displays of care)

Sympathy and grief are best expressed privately, rather than than publicly and in competition.

By Guy Walters Published 10 November 2011 13:52

Yawn. It's the wretched poppy debate again. It comes up every year, although this time it's marginally more interesting as FIFA is the premier poppyless bastard rather than poor old Jon Snow. (Although, as Giles Coren cogently asks on Twitter, "what diff whether these joyless overpaid spit-roasting thickoes wear a mark of Remembrance or not?")

We've all heard all the arguments. People should be free to choose; those who don't wear poppies are heartless bastards; poppies glorify war; they've become a social obligation not a genuine act of remembrance... and so on. I was talking about this on the radio this morning, just as I do every November.

And, every year, I say pretty much the same thing. I was clearly on autopilot. This time, the producer even joked that they looked forward to having me on again in twelve months. (For what's it worth, I'm in the free-to-choose camp.)

However, the debate should really be broadened to include other "sympathy tokens" -- such as Aids ribbons and Marie Curie Daffodils -- and indeed, other manifestations of sympathy.

As a nation, we are way too mawkish. We seem to be constantly wailing and gnashing, as though sympathy and grief are the only wellsprings of collective expression. Perhaps they are. Every time someone famous dies, complete strangers tweet their condolences. It's hard to go to a sports fixture during which there isn't a two-minute silence. If you go out not wearing some sort of badge or wristband, you feel underdressed.

Why do we feel the need to advertise our sympathy? Of course we all care! Only a sociopath could fail to be moved by the death of a 21-year-old in Helmand. We all know people who have suffered from either Aids or cancer. But is it really necessary to show the world that you sympathise? Are we really working on the assumption that most people are heartless bastards who have to be shamed into giving? Probably. Indeed, not wearing a poppy is to invite being labelled a pariah.

There's a kind of grief fascism at work here. Once it was the Queen who was rudely forced to show us she cared; now we all are. The consequences of obligatory public grieving and sympathising are all too obvious. It renders these acts as pure tokenism, things we ought to do rather than things we want to do. Sympathy and grief are best expressed privately, rather than publicly and in competition.

To paraphrase Smashy and Nicey, we should all do our bit, but shouldn't like to talk about it.

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20 comments

Thu, 2011-11-10 14:54 — kenelm (not verified)

Some of those who wear the poppy regret those war deaths, as surely we all do ... but have no desire to prevent war. And when it comes to MPs sporting their poppies, then invading Iraq, or wherever, "double standards" is an inadequate description.

Thu, 2011-11-10 15:02 — swatantra

Totally agree; there's too much of this 'grief facism' around, and for the past 3 years, I've decided not to succumb to any of it and wear any poppies ribbons or emblems. I'll put my money in the box, and thats it.

Thu, 2011-11-10 15:10 — Ricos321 (not verified)

I blame Diana.

Sat, 2011-11-26 08:06 — south pacific

What good does it to call someone a hero if he is dead.
My guess is he would prefer to being alive and not called a hero.

Wearing a poppy only benefits the poppy sellers.

If you are six foot under the ground you are hardly concerned what people above ground wear.

Authorising the "retreat of the military " from Germany is is really a shock....for the war mongers. All those lost "heroes" and now after 66 years of occupation we are giving up the price.
Lets hope those nasty Germans pay a fat sum of money for our presence there for all those years. After all we were there to protect them from themselves.

Oh, well the papers are saying they are going to start another war. We can then return and occupy the same barracks again.

Yes that Merkel woman can be blamed, after all she doesn't seem to want to do what she is told by our government. What a hide that women has.

A view from a long way away.
Europe, always good for a laugh.

Thu, 2011-11-10 15:20 — Fraziel1

"Only a sociopath could fail to be moved by the death of a 21-year-old in Helmand"
That must make most of the uk sociopaths then as no one i know gives a toss about the Afghan civilians that are killed.

I do not wear any emblems of any kind as what i feel is private and people getting upset about whether a football team should wear a poppy or not are really pathetic.It's like a competition to see who can be the most supportive.

Thu, 2011-11-10 15:45 — Arturo Bandini (not verified)

Well said. The tyranny of the poppy must be challenged.

And for those who are offended, ask yourself, how many who wear it do so because they care about what others think rather than about the appeal itself?

It has been hijacked by jingoistic war-mongers and Robert Fisk's denunciation of the poppy in this week's Independent hit the nail on the head.

Where's the flower for CIVILIANS killed in war?

Thu, 2011-11-10 15:54 — Des Demona (not verified)

It's advertising. Obviously they make much more money with a poppy day than they could ever hope to by relying on people dedciding to donate to the charity throughout the year. Simples.

Give or don't give.

Thu, 2011-11-10 16:05 — Acamar (not verified)

Robert Fisk's piece in the Indy is really worth a read.

Thu, 2011-11-10 17:12 — Seti (not verified)

I'm getting really sick of the automatic naming of the latest military death in Afghanistan. It's just jumping through hoops, but none of them will dare to be the one to stop doing it.

Thu, 2011-11-10 18:18 — swatantra

You're not the only one Seti.
I felt and said the the same years ago. And 'Wooton Basset' was simply more ammunition and propoganda for the enemy, the Taliban. Private funerals would have been better.

Thu, 2011-11-10 19:07 — Chir0n

The fact that there's a need for Guy Walters to specify he is in the "free to choose camp" is mental. Aren't we all, as members of a supposedly free and democratic society, meant to be in the free to choose camp?

Surely, people aren't actually angry about the fact that some of us elect not to wear the poppy are they, because if that's the real reason for their opprobrium, we are collectively fucked.

I suspect that those who loudly censure the non-poppy wearers are the same people for whom the wearing of the poppy is a mindlessly habitual act and that being made to search themselves for a reason why they unquestioningly repeat the same mechanized routine every year makes them uncomfortable. So, they lash out at those of us who, by thinking for ourselves, prompt the yearly self-examination that leaves them so demoralized (because they are rotten inside) they scream, shout and make a fuss hoping for some validation.

Seriously, wouldn’t everyone do better to direct their anger at a government that sends young men – children practically - off to fight illegal wars in which there are large civilian casualties (who remembers them?) and then treats them like crap when they’re no longer any use. That teenagers are sacrificing their lives when there is no mortal threat to their homeland, that’s something that should make us all angry.

Thu, 2011-11-10 19:10 — Bob1112

I grew up in a time when nearly everybody had lost a child, sibling, parent, grand parent, uncle or aunt in the two world wars and it was a way of remembering those who either volunteered or were conscripted. It was also a means of donating to a very good charity that was essential in supporting the survivors. The Haig Fund. Nowadays, it it rare to meet anybody who even knows anyone who has died just as tragically in recent conflicts; so no doubt that personal sense of loss is no longer felt. A visit to the killing fields of Flanders and the Somme that contain the huge War Cemeteries are a patent reminder of the scale of those conflicts and number of people who paid the ultimate sacrifice, and the very atmosphere there does help to focus the mind.
I think strongly that we should remember them.

Thu, 2011-11-10 19:44 — Hugh Markey (not verified)

The Poppy is not a very durable emblem. Our group - approximately 10 individuals - has thus far bought quite a few replacements. The Poppy either disintegrates or escapes from the lapel of the wearer with unbelievable stealth .
It has its uses, however - just like the flag.
We take it as an incontrovertible fact that all Cabinet members wear Poppies.
British Forces are now pretty far-flung. Afghanistan is a solid base, boots on the ground kind of place.
Iraq and Libya are quite virtual reality bases - no boots on the ground ( SAS footwear? ).
However, this Poppy adorned government is authorising the retreat of British Forces from Greater Germany and Cypress.
Admittedly the government is renovating some old, dilapidated, Royal Air Force bases for the returning troops.
What about schooling for the children of these Armed Forces? No sink UK schools, surely. Will boarding school still be funded?
And now they have deployed recently married Prince William to that island paradise - the Falklands.
Can't understand where all those whingeing Top Brass types and Forces families have disappeared to. Gorn right off the map!
Of course, David Cameron has revived the British Empire Medal.
After that dirty, hole-in-the-corner affair in Libya perhaps he has visions of sending a gunboat to Iran.
Worrying? What?

Dumb Insolence

Tue, 2011-11-29 22:08 — Freeman2

jacky writs, '...be reminded that you are only here because of their sacrifices.'

Twaddle. Are you saying I wouldn't have been born had it not been for the Allied victory in World War Two? It's that kind of absurdity that makes a mockery of a serious thing.

Sat, 2011-11-26 20:18 — jacky (not verified)

Of course wearing a poppy doesn't do the dead person any good. The good is done by the British Legion in supporting the families who are left. Patently obvious! Wearing a poppy or a daffodil etc. is a reminder to others to remember and to donate. Especially the younger generation. Hurry past the poppy seller on your way to work or home, then see others wearing one and be reminded that you are only here because of their sacrifices. Or that you are healthy today but you might not be tomorrow. Humanity has always adopted emblems as an effective way of passing on a message.