The ADgenda: Levi's jeans

This week's most offensive advert.

It's often exhausting watching adverts. The constant focus on self-improvement wears you down swiftly until you're left contemplating the futility of making that cup of tea because how will that make you sexier/funnier/skinnier/smarter? It's an age old method and we all know it only too well - make the consumer feel inadequate and they will latch onto any quick-fix solution, no matter how silly.

A new way of life is offered by everything from your hifi to your toilet roll. But with all these new ways of living on offer surely the outcome is a society of severely confused individuals with a bad case of identity crisis? Levi's are here though to force their idea of success upon our tiny minds. By buying a pair of their jeans you're not just presenting your bum in its best light - oh no no - you're buying into a whole way of life. Your world view will change for the better - you'll become more spontaneous, more enigmatic, more self-assured, and far better-looking. You'll freefall off tall buildings just for the hell of it, before prancing in the rain all the while maintaining your dead-eye pout. Because you're wearing a pair of Levi's.

Just like the Beat poets of yesteryear a side-effect from this new way of life may well be a touch of mental instability - you'll say. every. word. very. loudly. and. jerkily. because. you. are. edgy. but. also. starting. to. feel. a. bit. paranoid. and. you. are. wearing. Levi's. So as you prowl the streets muttering a string of words that sound clever but are actually utter gibberish while hastily doing up your shirt because, oops, you're so busy embracing your new outlook that you forgot to dress yourself in a decent manner this morning - congratulations, you've turned into that person. The one who passers-by cross the street to avoid.

Levi's advert. Photograph: Getty Images
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“Trembling, shaking / Oh, my heart is aching”: the EU out campaign song will give you chills

But not in a good way.

You know the story. Some old guys with vague dreams of empire want Britain to leave the European Union. They’ve been kicking up such a big fuss over the past few years that the government is letting the public decide.

And what is it that sways a largely politically indifferent electorate? Strikes hope in their hearts for a mildly less bureaucratic yet dangerously human rights-free future? An anthem, of course!

Originally by Carly You’re so Vain Simon, this is the song the Leave.EU campaign (Nigel Farage’s chosen group) has chosen. It is performed by the singer Antonia Suñer, for whom freedom from the technofederalists couldn’t come any suñer.

Here are the lyrics, of which your mole has done a close reading. But essentially it’s just nature imagery with fascist undertones and some heartburn.

"Let the river run

"Let all the dreamers

"Wake the nation.

"Come, the new Jerusalem."

Don’t use a river metaphor in anything political, unless you actively want to evoke Enoch Powell. Also, Jerusalem? That’s a bit... strong, isn’t it? Heavy connotations of being a little bit too Englandy.

"Silver cities rise,

"The morning lights,

"The streets that meet them,

"And sirens call them on

"With a song."

Sirens and streets. Doesn’t sound like a wholly un-authoritarian view of the UK’s EU-free future to me.

"It’s asking for the taking,

"Trembling, shaking,

"Oh, my heart is aching."

A reference to the elderly nature of many of the UK’s eurosceptics, perhaps?

"We’re coming to the edge,

"Running on the water,

"Coming through the fog,

"Your sons and daughters."

I feel like this is something to do with the hosepipe ban.

"We the great and small,

"Stand on a star,

"And blaze a trail of desire,

"Through the dark’ning dawn."

Everyone will have to speak this kind of English in the new Jerusalem, m'lady, oft with shorten’d words which will leave you feeling cringéd.

"It’s asking for the taking.

"Come run with me now,

"The sky is the colour of blue,

"You’ve never even seen,

"In the eyes of your lover."

I think this means: no one has ever loved anyone with the same colour eyes as the EU flag.

I'm a mole, innit.