David Cameron and Gary Lineker. Photo: Andrew Parsons/Conservative Party via Getty Images
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Are you a footie follower or a fan? Take this quiz to find out

Pencils at the ready - Hunter Davies has prepared a simple test to split the fakers from the true fans.

Fans have changed, these past two decades. Well no wonder, with the price of tickets. The middle classes have arrived, and the followers of fashion. So what sort of fan are you? OK, pencils out, your chance to score...

Referees

A) They have a jolly hard job and I’d never criticise them.
B) Only human, but they do make mistakes, so we should be allowed to boo.
C) Wankers, all of them.
 

Mourinho

A) Terrific plus for English football.
B) Something nasty about him, but he’s clever and does amuse me.
C) Piece of scum, in charge of the Scum.
 

Foreign Players

A) Have vastly improved the quality of our game.
B) There should be a quota to allow our young lads a chance.
C) Send them all home – but not from my team.
 

Eating

A) I always have a prawn sandwich.
B) I take my own guacamole and rye bread.
C) Pint and a pie.
 

Wages

A) They’re the world’s elite, it’s a short life, they deserve all they can get.
B) There should be a cap, it’s just obscene.
C) Don’t give a French fart, as long as we win.
 

Ronaldo or Messi?

A) Both geniuses – we’re lucky to be living at this time.
B) Ronaldo is a poseur, Messi the real thing.
C) I’d have Ronaldo’s baby, if he’d join us.
 

Kit

A) I have been known to wear my Arsenal bobble hat.
B) Always wear my team scarf, but basically it’s capitalist exploitation, wouldn’t you say?
C) Me and the wife have the full home kit, and the away kit, and she wears her knickers with a cockerel on the front – if we win.
 

Celebrations

A) Personally I always thought a handshake was quite sufficient.
B) Yes, celebrating is understandable, but in moderation.
C) Not being allowed to take their top off? Diabolical. I think they should take everything off and show us their tackle.
 

My Team

A) Arsenal, for my sins, ever since our son Harry started at Highgate.
B) Man United, though living in Stokey means I can’t make many games.
C) West Ham born and bred. The rest are scum.
 

Television

A) No Sky, I’m afraid, but my wife and I always watch MoTD with a nice whisky. Highlight of our week, actually.
B) Just BBC – if it’s on Sky, which I hate, I go to the pub with the lads.
C) Every bleedin’ channel, costs me a bleedin’ packet.
 

Best Bits

A) Just to see a good game, actually. It’s football I like, rather than one team.
B) My team winning, regardless of how they play. It’s cathartic.
C) Chelsea/Man United/Man City getting stuffed.
 

Who’s Going To Be On Top?

A) Of what? Sounds exciting.
B) Some greedy, nasty, foreign-owned club with loads of money.
C) We should have been, but for the feckin refs/ injuries/ stupid manager/cheating Chelsea bastards.
 

Who would you go to bed with?

A) David Beckham – wouldn’t everyone?
B) With whom, you mean. Arsène. The conversation would be excellent.
C) Wayne, for his looks, har bleedin har.
 

Which player would you like as prime minister?

A) Joey Barton – a real philosopher in charge at last.
B) Russell Brand – a revolutionary. Shame he’s West Ham.
C) John Terry – legend, leader, which is more than you can say about this poxy lot.
 

Which team does David Cameron support?

A) They’re in claret and blue, or is it claret and burgundy? Both jolly good drinks, actually.
B) Old Etonians, of course, who else?
C) Leave it out! At this time of the season my bleedin’ brain’s faded.
 

Answers

If you mostly ticked:
A) You are middle-class, middle-aged and boring.
B) Younger, with a good 2:1 and a beard.
C) True fan. 

Hunter Davies is a journalist, broadcaster and profilic author perhaps best known for writing about the Beatles. He is an ardent Tottenham fan and writes a regular column on football for the New Statesman.

This article first appeared in the 01 May 2015 issue of the New Statesman, The Scots are coming!

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Theresa May’s stage-managed election campaign keeps the public at bay

Jeremy Corbyn’s approach may be chaotic, but at least it’s more authentic.

The worst part about running an election campaign for a politician? Having to meet the general public. Those ordinary folk can be a tricky lot, with their lack of regard for being on-message, and their pesky real-life concerns.

But it looks like Theresa May has decided to avoid this inconvenience altogether during this snap general election campaign, as it turns out her visit to Leeds last night was so stage-managed that she barely had to face the public.

Accusations have been whizzing around online that at a campaign event at the Shine building in Leeds, the Prime Minister spoke to a room full of guests invited by the party, rather than local people or people who work in the building’s office space.

The Telegraph’s Chris Hope tweeted a picture of the room in which May was addressing her audience yesterday evening a little before 7pm. He pointed out that, being in Leeds, she was in “Labour territory”:

But a few locals who spied this picture online claimed that the audience did not look like who you’d expect to see congregated at Shine – a grade II-listed Victorian school that has been renovated into a community project housing office space and meeting rooms.

“Ask why she didn’t meet any of the people at the business who work in that beautiful building. Everyone there was an invite-only Tory,” tweeted Rik Kendell, a Leeds-based developer and designer who says he works in the Shine building. “She didn’t arrive until we’d all left for the day. Everyone in the building past 6pm was invite-only . . . They seemed to seek out the most clinical corner for their PR photos. Such a beautiful building to work in.”

Other tweeters also found the snapshot jarring:

Shine’s founders have pointed out that they didn’t host or invite Theresa May – rather the party hired out the space for a private event: “All visitors pay for meeting space in Shine and we do not seek out, bid for, or otherwise host any political parties,” wrote managing director Dawn O'Keefe. The guestlist was not down to Shine, but to the Tory party.

The audience consisted of journalists and around 150 Tory activists, according to the Guardian. This was instead of employees from the 16 offices housed in the building. I have asked the Conservative Party for clarification of who was in the audience and whether it was invite-only and am awaiting its response.

Jeremy Corbyn accused May of “hiding from the public”, and local Labour MP Richard Burgon commented that, “like a medieval monarch, she simply briefly relocated her travelling court of admirers to town and then moved on without so much as a nod to the people she considers to be her lowly subjects”.

But it doesn’t look like the Tories’ painstaking stage-management is a fool-proof plan. Having uniform audiences of the party faithful on the campaign trail seems to be confusing the Prime Minister somewhat. During a visit to a (rather sparsely populated) factory in Clay Cross, Derbyshire, yesterday, she appeared to forget where exactly on the campaign trail she was:

The management of Corbyn’s campaign has also resulted in gaffes – but for opposite reasons. A slightly more chaotic approach has led to him facing the wrong way, with his back to the cameras.

Corbyn’s blunder is born out of his instinct to address the crowd rather than the cameras – May’s problem is the other way round. Both, however, seem far more comfortable talking to the party faithful, even if they are venturing out of safe seat territory.

Anoosh Chakelian is senior writer at the New Statesman.

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