Fans have changed, these past two decades. Well no wonder, with the price of tickets. The middle classes have arrived, and the followers of fashion. So what sort of fan are you? OK, pencils out, your chance to score…
Referees
A) They have a jolly hard job and I’d never criticise them.
B) Only human, but they do make mistakes, so we should be allowed to boo.
C) Wankers, all of them.
Mourinho
A) Terrific plus for English football.
B) Something nasty about him, but he’s clever and does amuse me.
C) Piece of scum, in charge of the Scum.
Foreign Players
A) Have vastly improved the quality of our game.
B) There should be a quota to allow our young lads a chance.
C) Send them all home – but not from my team.
Eating
A) I always have a prawn sandwich.
B) I take my own guacamole and rye bread.
C) Pint and a pie.
Wages
A) They’re the world’s elite, it’s a short life, they deserve all they can get.
B) There should be a cap, it’s just obscene.
C) Don’t give a French fart, as long as we win.
Ronaldo or Messi?
A) Both geniuses – we’re lucky to be living at this time.
B) Ronaldo is a poseur, Messi the real thing.
C) I’d have Ronaldo’s baby, if he’d join us.
Kit
A) I have been known to wear my Arsenal bobble hat.
B) Always wear my team scarf, but basically it’s capitalist exploitation, wouldn’t you say?
C) Me and the wife have the full home kit, and the away kit, and she wears her knickers with a cockerel on the front – if we win.
Celebrations
A) Personally I always thought a handshake was quite sufficient.
B) Yes, celebrating is understandable, but in moderation.
C) Not being allowed to take their top off? Diabolical. I think they should take everything off and show us their tackle.
My Team
A) Arsenal, for my sins, ever since our son Harry started at Highgate.
B) Man United, though living in Stokey means I can’t make many games.
C) West Ham born and bred. The rest are scum.
Television
A) No Sky, I’m afraid, but my wife and I always watch MoTD with a nice whisky. Highlight of our week, actually.
B) Just BBC – if it’s on Sky, which I hate, I go to the pub with the lads.
C) Every bleedin’ channel, costs me a bleedin’ packet.
Best Bits
A) Just to see a good game, actually. It’s football I like, rather than one team.
B) My team winning, regardless of how they play. It’s cathartic.
C) Chelsea/Man United/Man City getting stuffed.
Who’s Going To Be On Top?
A) Of what? Sounds exciting.
B) Some greedy, nasty, foreign-owned club with loads of money.
C) We should have been, but for the feckin refs/ injuries/ stupid manager/cheating Chelsea bastards.
Who would you go to bed with?
A) David Beckham – wouldn’t everyone?
B) With whom, you mean. Arsène. The conversation would be excellent.
C) Wayne, for his looks, har bleedin har.
Which player would you like as prime minister?
A) Joey Barton – a real philosopher in charge at last.
B) Russell Brand – a revolutionary. Shame he’s West Ham.
C) John Terry – legend, leader, which is more than you can say about this poxy lot.
Which team does David Cameron support?
A) They’re in claret and blue, or is it claret and burgundy? Both jolly good drinks, actually.
B) Old Etonians, of course, who else?
C) Leave it out! At this time of the season my bleedin’ brain’s faded.
Answers
If you mostly ticked:
A) You are middle-class, middle-aged and boring.
B) Younger, with a good 2:1 and a beard.
C) True fan.
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