Competition No 4129

Set by John O'Byrne

The "Independent" celebrated the political marriage of Dave and Nick with a wedding-style photo album on its front page, complete with appropriate vows: "I, Nick, take you, Dave, to be my leader, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till debt us do part." We asked for tabloid coverage of their separation.

This week's winners
Hon menshes to John Griffiths-Colby ("Insiders confirm things have been on a 'coalition' course for a month"), Freny Olbrich ("He never even offered me an orange juice. Not even on our honeymoon") and Shirley Curran ("Dave's always travelling . . . There's some woman called Angela in Germany . . ."). £25 to each winner, with the Tesco vouchers going to G.M.Davis.

"It still hurts!" says Clegg
“At first Dave and I had everything; a love of ourselves, each other and David Laws," confided a devastated Nick Clegg today. "We'd wake up
and race one another to the ingratiating smile.

“But soon, I began to catch his tiny, contemptuous glances when I was doing the dishes. And why was I always doing the chores? Dave said he was protecting me from the stresses of coalition, but all I saw of our policies were the drafts I took out for recycling."

In a separate statement, a distraught David Cameron declared: "Fundamentally, I disagreed with Nick. He thought our marriage was about equality. It was about hierarchy."

“Still, being a Liberal Democrat," a crestfallen Nick concluded, "I expected failure. But it still hurts."
Adrian Fry

Nick: "I'm NOT his fag!"
Westminster's blue-eyed boys, Nick and Dave, are said to be splitting. "There are two people in this marriage," said crestfallen Dave, "and that's one too many."

Nick says he's tired of Dave always wearing the trousers. The PM has plenty of strong suits, as Nick sees it, but too often has something "up his sleeves". A joke's a joke, claims Nick, but "Dave started calling me his fag. That's not on."

“I offered him what he wanted," said Dave, "but he only wanted one thing. And I couldn't give it to him." Asked if he could do it on his own, Dave snapped, "Watch me."

Downing Street said Dave had called: but Nick won't give him a ring back. Ever.
Bill Greenwell

Dave and Nick split. Third party speaks out.
Nick Clegg, a runner-up in the People's Choice Awards, returned from Sheffield yesterday, but remained tight-lipped about his failure to contact estranged PM Dave as well as his alleged relationship with another party.

Nick, who well-informed sources say is "97 per cent" planning to divorce Dave, is now turning his attention to life after their turbulent time together. According to close friend Vince: "The next week will be very interesting for Dave and Nick, especially deciding who''ll be leaving their dream house."
Meanwhile, Lord Adonis, has confessed he was recently spotted with Nick. "We were in the company of Alastair Campbell. It was just an innocent diary signing."
John O'Byrne

World Cup: Another setback for Our Boys
We always knew it would never last, didn't we?

Like Peter and Katie, like Ashley and Cheryl, the golden couple of British politics are calling it a day. The Party's over. Let the heartaches begin.
Says Nick: "Dave is a CONTROL FREAK."

Dave claims Nick is "needy".

They could both be right. But it's a sad day for the nation, and especially for our lads in Afghanistan, who should be able to count on having a united government behind them.

The knock-on effects keep coming. Already house prices have dropped and the pound has slumped. And will our World Cup heroes have their morale shattered just when they need a boost? We hope not. But these are dark times.
G M Davis

The next challenge
No 4132 Set by J Seery
The increase in the number of universities means that more recipients of honorary degrees must be found. We want an extract from a citation relating to the conferment upon someone to whom the degree has been given in the hope of receiving a donation - a celebrity perhaps, who has no claim to merit - with the chancellor of the university seeking to keep this out of the citation.

Max 125 words by 24 June
comp@newstatesman.co.uk