It's always a relief when the conference circus is over and we can return to the meat of government

"I deny that I am in denial!" I thought a joke might raise morale. The team looks up from their Starbucks, weary-eyed. All in all, the atmosphere in No 10 is a little fatigued. "Come on, Fran," I think. "You have never let a disappointing conference season get you down before."

Not that I think it was disappointing, obviously. You see, Polly in the wretched Guardian can say we're in denial as much as she likes. We're not. We're in renewal. (That's actually quite brilliant; I might suggest it to Comms.)

So, onwards and upwards! It's always a relief when the conference circus is over and we can return to the business of policy, to the meat of government, to Partnership in Power.

The morning meeting rattles through the day's priorities: what to do about Bully (Ed) Balls, Copenhagen speech, podcast. One of the new media lot starts talking about Twitter. Are we tweeting too much? Too little? Peter (Mandelson) pops his head round the door and says he wants his own account. Everyone laughs nervously.

If you ask me, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of time spent talking about Twitter and the likelihood of convincing the public that we are the one, truly progressive party. But this is lost on Comms. New Media Lucy turns on me as I roll my eyes. "Anything to add, Fran? As I'd like to hear how your work on patient power is touching a million-plus voters." (I want to say that I am not trying to "touch" anyone, but I stay quiet.)

Dave from the press office runs in: the Ten (o'clock news - I'm trying to get a handle on the lingo) wants an exclusive with GB after his speech.
“Tell them they can only have him if they stick to the environment," says Andy, GB Adviser Number One. Dave potters out. One minute later, he's shouting. "They want to ask about his health. Again. They say it's in the public interest."

“Bollocks it's in the public interest! It's old news! It's Copenhagen or nothing!" Andy stands up and rolls up his sleeves. We hear the phone go down.
“It's nothing," says Dave.

“Fuck the fucking BBC!" (When Andy swears a lot, we know he's trying to summon the spirit of Alastair.)

Peter glides back in. "Right, people," he sighs. "The rules: we will not talk about health. We will not talk about medication. We will not talk about The Eye."

And with that, we retreat to our desks. I hear Dave mutter: "Oh, for Alastair."

Post your comment

Please note: you will need to login or register before you can comment on the website