The NS Competition No 4094

We asked for an NS editorial as written by Nicholas Lezard. If you felt uninspired you could have had Julian Clary or Shazia Mirza.

This week's winners

The best were all based on the divine Mr Lezard - so no Clarys or Mirzas, though David Silverman's line about Shazia's mum being "so aware of global conspiracies" made us chuckle. An hon mensh for Jason Casey's Lezard: "Let her have my house, my carpet, my TV and the summerhouse . . . I get my name in the NS."

The winners get £25; Ian Birchall also gets the Tesco vouchers, for added value . . .

Current moves to extend the vetting of adults temporarily in charge of children are a logical development of what has been called the Nanny State, but which to some ears carries the unmistakable whine of the Wronged Wife.

Not content with hounding an innocent though fun-loving partner from the family hearth, unsated by seeing him dossing in a hovel with career criminals in South Kensington, outraged at the resilience with which he may have mastered his misery and sought consolation in lovelier arms, this termagant will pursue him with flails and whips even unto Lords or the Oval if he has his children in the back of his car.

This self-righteous, humourless matriarch has but one aim in life: to deracinate the hapless male.
Barbara Burge

The New Statesman has a proud tradition of fighting oppression around the world, from Britain in India to the war in Afghanistan. But the struggle in defence of oppressed individuals is equally vital. In recent months the NS has carried material ignored by the rest of the press about an innocent man victimised and hounded out of his home. This question must not be neglected in the coming election campaign. Every candidate must be required to take a position about the conduct of the erstwhile Mrs Lezard. (Do you know what she did yesterday?!!) This question could become a touchstone for the revival of the British left.

We got rid of Margaret Thatcher and we can do the same with this evil woman.
Ian Birchall

The next challenge
No 4097 Set by Leonora Casement

Choose two novelists writing in different genres (for example, Albert Camus and Barbara Cartland, or Isaac Asimov and Zane Grey) and let us have examples of a work from these co-authors. Points will be given for seamless narrative flow.

Max 125 words by 8 October

This England is discontinued

This article first appeared in the 28 September 2009 issue of the New Statesman, The 50 people who matter