Five, seven, five
No 4089
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked you for haikus on a party leader of your choice

Report by Ms de Meaner
I had originally decided to be hardline and ban all entries that failed to follow the rules re: “party leaders". But after finding myself rejecting entries about Alex Ferguson and Steve Redgrave, I felt quite benign towards the Vince Cable haiku when it arrived: he, at least, is the deputy leader of
a political party. A £5 token for all singletons and a tenner for the doubletons (Hodgson, Whitehead and Du Croz). The Tesco vouchers for excellence go to Mr Hodgson.

Nick Clegg
Would he come adrift,
A rowing boat all at sea,
Without his Cable?

David Cameron
A new dawn's breaking,
Britain looks to the future:
Eton and Oxford.
Nicholas Hodgson

Pouter pigeon strut,
Mirthless grin: it's Gordon Brown -
A dead man walking.
Respect Galloway,
After arsing about on
Big Brother? No way!
Anne Du Croz

Gordon Brown
Sound of no music
Fills the upturned half-lit hall:
Yesterday's party.

David Cameron
The lights, the dancing,
The look of children's faces
Pressed to the window.
Gregory Whitehead

David Cameron:
The man who put the con back
In Conservative.
David Silverman

He's still clinging on!
Hold tight, Gordon! Not long now!
We'll soon have you down!
John Bevis

David Cameron
PM-in-waiting:
I'm a hugger of hoodies,
Did you see my bike?
John O'Byrne

David Cameron
Bright, budding climber -
Your green growth sucks its strength
From Brown corruption.
Siân Cleaver

David Cameron
Have bike, will pedal,
I want to skip the red lights
To a new Britain.
Phil Hulme

Dark clouds surround Brown
In the wet summer twilight,
Mandelson-eclipsed.
Basil Ransome-Davies

Above all scandals,
Unfloored by problems, crises,
Vince Cable dances.
M E Ault

Gordon Brown is down:
Uneasy is the head which
Wears a frown on it.
Bill Greenwell

A false eye closes.
Brits survey their ruined dream
In a Brown study.
Adrian Fry

No 4092 Please read carefully
Set by Leonora Casement
Nicholas Lezard wrote in last week's NS about the instructions that came with his new toaster ("When toasting has finished . . . the toasted bread can now be removed . . ."). Try your hand at writing something similar for other household items.
Max 125 words by 3 September
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

* * *

This England
Each printed entry will receive
a £5 book token. Entries on a POSTCARD, please, to This England, NS, address on page 3

And finally . . . try bolts
Trisha Staerck, crime reduction officer for the central policing division, which includes the Maldon district, said a few simple steps can help reduce the risk of being targeted by thieves.
She said: "I would urge everyone to make a note of all their equipment, photograph it, record the make, model and serial number and any other identifying mark.
“We also recommend you mark all your equipment in a highly visible manner, such as scratching or engraving your postcode and any other identifying mark on it.
“This makes it much less attractive to thieves as the equipment is much harder to sell.
“Also, securely lock your shed, ideally with bolts that cannot be prised off."
Maldon Standard (John Gogarty)
Fish knives at dawn
Debenhams found that 32 per cent of customers buy fewer knives because they prefer using forks on their own; 24 per cent were baffled by place settings; 28 per cent did not possess fish knives, and 19 per cent couldn't tell a soup spoon from a dessert spoon. The retailer is launching a campaign to protect the traditional British way of eating.
Independent (Harvey Cole)