The vanishing million
No 4081
Set by Hank T Romein

Whatever happened to urban myths, those funny or gruesome stories, such as “The Vanishing Hitchhiker”
or “The Body on the Roof Rack”, which had happened to a “friend of a friend”? The Noughties should be throwing up stories about money, ingenious cons and fiddles, large sums made or lost in unusual circumstances by a friend of a friend. “The Vanishing Million”? “The Safe on the Roof Rack”? We asked for some new urban myths

Report by Ms de Meaner
Hmm. A very hard one this week, I’m afraid. So hard that some of you clearly went into some sort of “other” world and I had to send out emails asking for instructions. John O’Byrne went into overdrive and sent
in three that were all good, so I had a choice! The three winners obviously totally deserve their £25. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to John O’Byrne for making me laugh.

Urgent contract review
A friend of a friend of mine, having lost her job, was scrolling through her emails one morning when she came across an interesting one from Nigeria. It was a request for “an urgent business relationship”. A top official of the government there needed someone to deposit $100 to help fund a “contract review panel”, which would release $21.3m “presently trapped in the Central Bank of Nigeria”. Thinking that this might lead to something, she sent off a letter enclosing £60 and her bank details. Imagine her surprise when, four months later, her bank account was credited with £364,981.45!
John O’Byrne

Tip of a lifetime
My mate’s mate Dave was in a City bar, New Year’s Eve 2007. Returning a dropped wallet to a chap in pinstripes, he received some confidential advice for his honesty. The pinstriped gent said: “Cash in all your investments, house included, because there’s going to be a crash.” Our man was dumbfounded. The pinstriped gent said: “Look, I’m a financial analyst. I know whereof I speak.” Naturally, Dave wanted to know where he should put the money once he’d cashed it in. The pinstriped man tapped his nose conspiratorially and whispered, “Iceland.” So Dave, a builder who knew nothing about finance, placed £300,000 – all his worldly wealth – on a horse called Iceland in the 3.45 at Uttoxeter the following week.
It romped home at 66-1.
Adrian Fry

Case of the lost expenses
This friend of mine was travelling home on the Central Line when he noticed a carrier bag stuffed between the seats. It wasn’t big enough to contain a bomb, so he risked opening it. Gingerly he peered in and
found a wad of paper. Intrigued, he decided to take it home and investigate. What he had found was a bundle of MPs’ expenses claims forms, many of which asked for compensation for ridiculous items – a diamanté-encrusted kennel for a poodle at £3,000, a soft toilet seat with the logo “I’m dumping on you, Gordon” printed round its circumference (a mere £87), a psychiatrist’s bill for £5,000.

The names of the MPs claiming the expenses had been torn off. Nevertheless my friend thought there was enough information to interest the press. He sold them to the Sun for £30,000, which wasn’t bad, as they subsequently proved to be fake.
Katie Mallett

No 4084 Transliterate your flow
Set by Tim Hopkins

We want you take a serious, well-known and “weighty” poem of your choice and translate it into light verse. Whatever the length of the original, your length is:
Max 16 lines by 9 July
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

This England

Each printed entry will receive a £5 book token. Entries on a POSTCARD, please, to This England, NS, 1st Floor, Boundary House, 91-93 Charterhouse Street, London, EC1M 6HR

Sickening slur
A taxi firm’s attempt to create a humorous advertising campaign has backfired after pensioners gave a heated response.

Retired people in the seaside town of Selsey in Sussex expressed their dismay at the advertisement describing them as “biddies” and “codgers”. Chichester District Council said it had launched an inquiry after a complaint from Maribel French, 66, a widow.

She said she felt “quite sick” when she picked up a leaflet from Area 24/7 taxis offering a “Biddies and Codgers” scheme for travel anywhere in Selsey seven days a week for £2.50.

Michael Ellerton, a partner in the cab firm, said: “It’s the talk of the village – they love it. They talk about it at bingo.”
Daily Telegraph (F Harvey)

Health and safety
“We’ve even had a ferret as a best man,” she says. “The ferret came in his own little cage, looking very snappy. I think they’d hoped the ferret might be allowed to come out on a leash, but hotel management said: ‘No. Health and safety. We can’t have that ferret out.’ So there he was, just snapping at the bars.”
Registrar interviewed in the Guardian (G Torny)

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