Report by Ms de Meaner
The point about a novel is that there should be some kind of movement – plot development, if you will – something that makes you turn the page. Something quite a few of you forgot. £20 to three winners, the best of whom (D A Prince) gets the Tesco vouchers.
The end of a marriage
Dave’s Decor: bathroom, Fairview
CenterParcs: family break for 5
The Ivy: lunch for 2, private booth
Hugo Boss: Power boxer shorts
Waterside Inn: weekend for 2
The Fat Duck: meals for 2
Parfums Patou: 1oz Joy
Relate: 6 sessions
Dave’s Decor: kitchen, Fairview
Magimix maxi food processor
McDonald’s: Happy Meals for 5
Ultrasound Centre W1: MRI scan
Belly Dance: maternity fashions
Savills: deposit, flat 19a Sloane St
A1 Autos: scratches, dents, respray
M&S: 4 suits
Lyndales Litigation: divorce prelim
Man and Van: small removals
Birthworks: birthing pool
Mothercare: Hello World Gift Set
Anne Du Croz
It’s a dog’s life
Bus fare Pimlico-Battersea (£4)
Donation to Dogs Home (£25)
Bus fare Battersea-Pimlico
(+ dog) (£6)
Dog lead + collar (£37.45)
2 tins Pedigree Chum (£2.10)
Pair of slippers (replacement) (£35)
Elastoplast (£1.99)
Muzzle (£7.50)
Ex gratia to postman (£100)
Heavy-duty muzzle (£40)
Doormat (replacement) (£15.99)
Ear plugs (£2.50)
6 tins Pedigree Chum (£6.30)
Dog obedience classes (£50)
Antiseptic cream (£2.99)
Bandage (£4.99)
Extra-heavy-duty muzzle (£60) 200 poop-scoops (£3.99)
24 tins Pedigree Chum (£25.20)
Compensation to Mrs Smith
(cat) (£50)
Compensation to Jason Smith (rabbit) (£20)
Dog chain (£72.50)
Front door (replacement) (£400)
Bus fare Pimlico-Battersea
(+ dog) (£6)
Bus fare Battersea-Pimlico (£4)
D A Prince
A good constituency MP
Week’s hire of shepherd and flock for eco-friendly lawn cropping
Repair and restoration of listed Pele Tower in grounds heavily damaged by invading Picts
Lighting and heating for archery range and real tennis court
Insurance premiums for Titians, Gainsboroughs, a Rubens and a Stubbs
Veterinary services (peacocks, horses, dogs)
Tickets for Acis and Galatea
Satellite channel subscription
for specialist current affairs programmes addressing issues relating to obscenity, decency and the law (research project for working party)
Supply of permethrin and Vielle for first-aid cupboard
One economy-sized jar of Maxwell House, one catering pack of custard creams, Sainsbury’s Basics tea bags, sugar, powdered milk and two tins of Quality Street (constituency office hospitality)
G M Davis
No 4082 The lure of politics
Set by Dipak Ghosh
We’d like you to complete the following sentence (and add a few more for good measure): “I came into politics because . . .” You must indicate the identity of your chosen MP.
Max 125 words by 25 June
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
This England
Each printed entry will receive a £5 book token. Entries on a POSTCARD, please, to This England, NS, 91-93 Charterhouse St, London EC1M 6HR
Communication breakdown
Council officials initially denied knowing the whereabouts of Mrs Ducker’s Volkswagen Golf when it disappeared from a street near her home. Three weeks later, they sent a demand for £800 in fines and a photograph of the car parked on newly painted double yellow lines.
Contractors had lifted the vehicle and painted under it, before carefully replacing it. Later that same day, traffic wardens spotted it and ordered it to be towed away.
Mrs Ducker refused to pay the fines, which spiralled to £2,240 while her car remained impounded. It took the intervention of her local MP, Kate Hoey, before Lambeth Council backed down.
Lambeth Council blamed a “breakdown in communication with our contractors”.
Daily Telegraph (F Harvey)
Health and safety flagged
Mayor of Maidstone Denise Joy has been told the council flag must be removed from her car. At a council meeting, official Neil Harris said: “The problem is the flag might fall off if the car goes beyond a certain speed. We are looking at solutions, but we must avoid any chance of damaging other cars and inconveniencing road users.”
Evening Standard (David Harling)
