What’s the solution?
No 4074
Set by Hank T Romein
Recently it has become more or less mandatory that the word “solutions” should appear in all trade descriptions. We asked you for solutions that might have been offered by Lord Reith’s BBC, Dr Arnold’s Rugby School, the Windmill Theatre, Dr Johnson’s Dictionary, Lyons teahouses, the Fabian Society and others whose heyday pre-dated this relatively new convention
Report by Ms de Meaner
A popular comp attracting a number of newbies, including Pamela Dow and the excitingly named Wolf MacNeil, as well as some who have not entered for a while. Welcome and welcome back. Hon menshes to Katie Mallett (“The Windmill Theatre offers solutions to men of all ages who for some reason have been deprived of their sex life”), Basil Ransome-Davies (“The Daleks: extermination solutions”) and Godfrey Holmes (“The Cowell solution: come if you are fed up with singing in your bath to an audience of one”). The winners get £20 each, the best of whom (John O’Byrne) also gets Tesco vouchers.
Mobile wartime solutions
No 617 Squadron delivers mobile wartime solutions ideal for dam busting, as well as cross-vertical enemy targeting. We make a 24x7 full service a reality by extending our specialist aerial services to include precision delivery by our patented “Barnes Wallis Bouncing Bomb”. Optimised results are achieved by marking the targets with a Pathfinder unit and following through with “Tallboy” and “Grand Slam” ground-penetrating strategies. Recently completed contracts include the sinking of the Tirpitz and three major dams on the Ruhr. Our solutions-oriented business has recently received an award from King George VI.
John O’Byrne
South Sea Bubbles solutions
South Sea Bubbles solutions for punters who would be winners. We handle the logistics while you get your hands on the lolly. Don’t want to soil your hands with toil? Let us do the spadework. Don’t
like asking troublesome questions? Then leave it all to us, working magic with your money beyond your wildest dreams. We’ll take the everyday out of your life, replacing it with flights of fancy and funds of fun. We do the tricky trading while you live the life of
a Gentleman. Your Lady will thank you for it. Big numbers bring big rewards; give us your best. Our name sets a new standard. Trust us: we’re making history.
D A Prince
Spanish Inquisition solutions
Expect the unexpected! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition . . . but we have the solutions to
many of today’s difficult ethical challenges. Wanting to make your millions from writing sacrilegious, trashy novels about the Virgin Mary and the Holy Grail? Don’t know your hearsay from your heresy? Writing about the “God Delusion” and suffering from writer’s block, twiddling your thumbs and racking your brain? SIS can help with that! Having dark, disturbing doubts about religion? Don’t stay at home torturing yourself: SIS can help there, too. Make an appointment to see one of our specially trained counsellors. No call-out charge for first appointment. Visit www. torquemadafaithfoundation.es (Conditions apply. Pain thresholds can go down as well as up)
David Silverman
No 4077 The factoid of the matter
Set by Hank T Romein
It has been reported that the Great Wall of China is larger than had previously been thought. It remains, however, no more visible from outer space. That, like the
one about Eskimos and words for snow, is a “factoid”. If something
is repeated often enough, it will be believed. Let’s invent some new and plausible-sounding factoids to foist upon the gullible.
Max 10 factoids by 21 May
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
THIS ENGLAND
What’s the solution?
No 4074
Set by Hank T Romein
Recently it has become more or less mandatory that the word “solutions” should appear in all trade descriptions. We asked you for solutions that might have been offered by Lord Reith’s BBC, Dr Arnold’s Rugby School, the Windmill Theatre, Dr Johnson’s Dictionary, Lyons teahouses, the Fabian Society and others whose heyday
pre-dated this relatively new convention
