The right tool for the job
No 4076
Set by Hank T Romein
“She’s got a Hockney in her kitchen.” The recipient of this overheard revelation was momentarily baffled, thinking in terms of gadgets rather than art. But exactly what kind of device, for example, would a hockney be? Or a paxman? Or a miliband? An obama? A pinter? We asked you to take some famous names and find a use for them about the house or garden
Report by Ms de Meaner
You simply love this sort of comp – and it shows in the larger-than-usual postbag. A number of newbies were also tempted to try their luck, which was nice – we
like to see new blood – and a few managed to get past the winning post. The singletons get a £5
book token this week; those with more than one entry can have £15. The Tesco vouchers go, in addition, to Gordon Gwilliams.
A scruton is a detection system that shoots foxes if they approach your chicken coop. Warning: this product may damage cats, dogs and small children.
A paxman is a sign for your garden gate, surmounted by a dove of peace. Suitable for Buddhists.
Gordon Gwilliams
Blears are absorbent tissues for mopping up noxious matter.
A miliband is a small sticking-plaster for minor cuts.
A lampard is a small torch with harsh glaring light.
A flintoff is an old-fashioned rifle for shooting squirrels.
A branson is a mattress cover
used in bridal suites.
Ian Birchall
A follett set comprises a candlewick lavatory rug, with matching loo cover.
Instead of slug death pellets,
why not use a mulch of woolas fibre instead?
Anne Du Croz
A winehouse is a novelty Lambrusco chiller.
A putin is a heavyweight meat tenderiser.
A wogan is a legal substitute
for Valium.
G M Davis
A gambon is a meat slicer.
A gummer is a rubber mole trap.
An öpik is a device for removing the stones from olives.
Gerard Benson
A blears is a pocket-sized smear-free cloth for lifting entrenched stains on cabinet surfaces.
A merkel is a lady’s intimate grooming brush.
A hanks is a grooming brush for the discerning middle-aged male.
An ecclestone is a small abrasive block for sharpening cake forks.
Liz Parker
A prescott is a small metal key used for “bleeding” air from radiators in a central heating system.
Patrick Hughes
A blears is a brightly painted cuckoo clock out of which the bird emerges much too loudly and usually at the wrong time.
J Seery
Milibands are flab-repressing pants to revolutionise the male physique.
Therese Whitelock
A rooney is a kitchen implement for digging eyes and decayed parts out of potatoes.
Michael Brereton
A sewell is an incredibly precious baroque ornament.
Andrew Wardrop
No 4079 Every claim tells a story
Set by Hank T Romein
Novels and short stories have long been written as diaries, letters or even as classified ads. Now the expenses claim is emerging as a possible medium for fiction. A list of items for which reimbursement is being sought might have a suggestive tale to tell. We would like you to supply a short story in this form.
Max 125 words by 4 June
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
This England...
Breaking the ice
A senior government official last night faced calls for an apology after telling a top-level conference that Birmingham smelled of urine.
Delegates at the Home Office conference were stunned when Gail Adams, Borders & Immigration Agency director for the Midlands, said she was not surprised to find the city “still stinking of urine”.
Mrs Adams said of the remark: “It was intended to serve as a light-hearted ice-breaker.”
Sunday Mercury (F Harvey)
Time passes quickly when . . .
Tourists enjoying a day of sightseeing at Windsor Castle got more than they bargained for when a couple were caught having sex
on the Queen’s lawn.
The man and woman selected a spot near the castle’s Garter Tower and stripped off in full view of hotels, pubs and shops.
An employee at the Harte and Garter Hotel, which overlooks the castle, said guests went out to observe the scene and could not believe their eyes. The woman, who asked not to be named, said: “It was going on for about 10 or 15 minutes, which is quite a long time, considering the location.”
Guardian (Harvey Cole)
