Outer darkness
No 4071
Set by Ian Birchall
The BBC has apparently had complaints from parents about a presenter with no hand, saying they would find it difficult to explain this to their children. How would they face the even trickier task of explaining to their children that someone they know has no mobile phone?
Report by Ms de Meaner
Well done, although it was a hard one. Hon menshes to David Silverman, who began so promisingly (“Mummy, why hasn’t that lady got a mobile phone?” “Don’t point, darling”), but then tailed off; Adrian Fry (“We must respect Uncle Adrian’s social diversity”); and John Griffiths-Colby (“They are just different from us; they communicate and relate to the world differently . . . In their world, they agree times to meet and they simply arrive”). £20 each to the three winners. The Tesco vouchers go in addition to Katie Mallett.
Something to tell you
“Now children, I have something to tell you about your cousin Jamie. No, he’s not dead, it’s just that you might not be able to get hold of him when you want to. No, he’s not in prison. The thing is, he doesn’t have something which you take for granted, and I expect you think that everyone has one, like you, but the fact is that some people don’t. Of course he’s got a television, what made you think of that?
No, it’s something more personal.
I said personal not physical. Oh,
I’ll come straight to the point.
He doesn’t have a mobile phone. Jamie’s mummy and daddy don’t want him to have one. I know they can’t keep phoning him to see where he is. What do you mean, good idea?”
Katie Mallett
Doctors are doing their best
“No darling, you can hear that she can walk and talk. What she can’t do – and her mummy and daddy are very sad about it – is to tap words on to one of those silver things of her own.
“Most boys and girls are born with them already nicely tucked into their little hands. No one knows why some babies aren’t like that, and lots of clever doctors are trying to find out. Until they do, pretend that the ones without the silver things are just like you and, using a pencil (yes, one of those wooden sticks with a bit of black at the end), write to them – ” (Writes): “URGR8. LOL. NO RSVP.”
Barrie Heads
Dangerous trailing leads
“Haven’t you heard about the new campaign for auto Blu-ray so people can Skype their friends just by thinking . . . ha ha ha . . . and the fact is that Auntie Janis, although she won’t admit it, has just signed up . . . well, quite some time ago . . . hush hush, you know . . . has signed up for the experiment and she thinks her thoughts to a select group of people . . . no, not me . . . and in the meantime she’s writing a book about the Old Days and how wires are dangerous trailing leads and . . . of course investigating that era is history but it has to be done properly so she has to be deprived . . . it’s very bold of her . . . perhaps we could try it here. No, not if you’d rather not . . .”
Bill Greenwell
No 4074 What’s the solution?
Set by Hank T Romein
Recently it has become more or less mandatory that the word “solutions” should appear in all trade descriptions. What solutions might have been offered by Lord Reith’s BBC, Dr Arnold’s Rugby School, the Windmill Theatre,
Dr Johnson’s Dictionary, Lyons teahouses, the Fabian Society and others whose heyday preceded this comparatively new convention?
Max 120 words by 30 April
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
This England
Each printed entry will receive
a £5 book token. Entries on a POSTCARD, please
Outer darkness
No 4071
Set by Ian Birchall
The BBC has apparently had complaints from parents about a presenter with no hand, saying they would find it difficult to explain this to their children. How would they face the even trickier task of explaining to their children that someone they know has no mobile phone?
