Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. £20 to the winners, except Josh Ekroy, who gets a tenner for his excerpted entry.

An hon mensh goes to David Silverman for Pride and Primark. PS: I shall work out shortly what those who set comps in 2008 are owed. Patience, my doves!

Motorist – Ah, sir, I fear I did not see your approach.

Cyclist – But, the responsibility, dear madam, was yours to ascertain that your passage was clear.

– On the contrary, sir, I understand that the driver proceeding from the rear is always in the wrong.

– I dare say, Madam, that might

be so when the two vehicles are

in the same lane, but you were changing lanes. I must ask you

to supply me with the particulars of your address.

– You must do what you must.

But you shall agree, I am sure, that

a vehicle at the side of the road cannot be said to occupy a lane.

I bid you good evening, sir.

(She drives away)

Helen M Hogan

Patient 1 – Excuse me, would

you mind terribly if I signed in before you? I’ve just been hit by a cement mixer, you see, and I seem to have multiple . . . oh, do forgive me for dripping blood on your clean sleeve.

Patient 2 – Quite all right, no bother at all. My word, what

a ghastly . . . ugh . . . ouch . . . thing

to happen. Please . . . aack! . . . do move ahead of me.

– You appear on the verge of collapse, sir. Might I ask what brings you here?

– Yes, well, I’ve been shot. Twice, actually. Urrk! In the abdomen. But enough about me. Gaaaack!

– Please, you first. I’m happy to wait . . . ooops, more blood on you. So awfully sorry.

– No matter at all . . . bleeagh! . . . please go ahead . . .

Mae Scanlan

Customer – Good morning to you, Madam! My card. (Produces ES40)

Clerk – Thank you, kind sir. I trust you will forgive me if I inquire

as to whether you have engaged

in remunerative employment

these 14 days?

– Naturally, I harbour no objection to vouchsafing such intelligence. Alas, though I have sent my curriculum vitae before numerous gentlemen, none has hitherto seen fit to engage my services.

– I hope you will not think me forward if I suggest you might procure a position at the local branch of a multinational fast-

food emporium which has been so vulgar as to advertise with us.

– Though touched by your concern, I must remind you that

I am a gentleman.

Adrian Fry

Train passenger 1 – Nothing could be more gratifying to me than to hear you perform some ringtones for us upon your mobile.

Passenger 2 – Your importunity does you little credit, sir. You

will derive more benefit from attempting to reproduce by means of self-coition.

Josh Ekroy

No 4071 Outer darkness

Set by Ian Birchall

The BBC has apparently had complaints from parents about a presenter with no hand, saying they would find it difficult to explain this to their children. How would they face the even trickier task of explaining to their children that someone they know has no mobile phone?

Max 125 words by 9 April

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk


This England

Each printed entry will receive
a £5 book token. Entries on a POSTCARD, please, to This England, NS, address on page 3

Take that, doctor
Martin Byrne, 45, visited Dr Harendra Patel, 55, and asked to be able to specify the dates he wanted to be off work, a court heard.
When Dr Patel refused, Byrne threw a cup of tea at him, then smashed it on his head, before launching a set of scales and a bin
at the GP.
Judge John Hand QC, jailing Byrne for eight months, said: “People who assault public servants must expect to go to prison.
“Doctors are not to be attacked in their surgeries no matter what the provocation and no matter how justifiable the patient feels it is.”
The prosecutor Simeon Hopkins said: “Byrne started to kick the doctor in the head and body repeatedly.
“When he was arrested, he said: ‘Whatever happened to doctor-patient confidentiality?’”
Daily Telegraph (Tim Hopkins)

Class divide
A Sainsbury’s store is selling Parmesan in security boxes after shoplifters began stealing the Italian cheese. The Bedford branch found more than 70 per cent was stolen. A customer said: “The credit crunch is hitting the middle classes.”
Evening Standard (Ron Rubin)