There is an urban legend about a British judge asking: “Who are the Beatles?” And Clive Anderson has written of Sir Jeremiah Harman, who claimed not to have heard of Gazza and wondered aloud: “Is there not an opera called Gazza Ladra?” We asked for answers to some out-of-touch-judge-type questions from an even more ignorant barrister

Keep up with the times No 4057

The point of this comp is that the answers should all expose a certain innocence in the legal profession, an air of other-worldliness. I definitely wasn't asking for what I have done in previous comps: creative definitions of common words (webcam: a photographic apparatus used by arachnologists) or new words based on people's names (Amy Winehouse: a well-known chain of off-licences), however amusing. £20 to the big winners, the best of whom (Nigel Evans) also gets the Tesco vouchers. All the singletons get a £5 book token each.

A Ronaldo is a waltz as performed by the former political journalist John Sergeant, m'lud.

Take That is otherwise known as a Glasgow haircut, your honour.

A chav, your honour, is one who follows the teachings of George Bernard Shaw.

Donatella Versace is, I believe, a character in a play by William Shakespeare, m'lud.

Hello! is, I understand, a weekly trade magazine covering the mobile-phone industry, your honour.

John O'Byrne

Bebo? It was, I believe, a fashion emporium popular in the Sixties, your honour.

Liam Kenson

A USB port is a special type of fortified wine, m'lady.

Hamas is a delicious Middle Eastern dish of ground chickpeas, m'lud.

Viagra? It's a famous waterfall in North America, your honour.

Harry Potter? I believe he's the recently appointed manager of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, well known for his magic touch, m'lud.

Nigel Evans

Monarch Airlines is the Queen's aviation company, m'lud.

Parky is a kind of anorak, your honour.

Katie Mallett

Ladette is the title of an early Verdi opera - now lost, m'lud.

Barry Baldwin

A modem is, I believe, the proprietor of a stylish brothel, your honour.

To download, m'lud, means to drop everything.

M E Ault

Chip and pin, is, I believe, a golfing expression, your honour.

Nicholas Hodgson

Pilates? It's a Roman hand-washing technique, nearly 2,000 years old, but only now beginning to catch on among the English middle classes, your honour.

David Silverman

Chav? I think that must be a misprint for "chap", m'lud.

Mike Berry

No 4060 Ready Steady . . . Vote

Set by Joy Hosker

Samak Sundaravej was ousted as Thailand's PM after hosting a TV cookery programme, Tasting and Grumbling, for four episodes following his election. Can we have other well-known politicians' attempts to break into the genre? We'd like the name of your politician of choice's programme and their description of their signature dish as they prepare it.

Max 125 words by 22 January

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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