Is there honey still for tea? No 4059

Is there honey still for tea? No 4059

Report by Ms de Meaner

I wasn't sure of George Cowley's "famous literary question", "What's it all about, Alfie?" but it certainly made me chuckle. £15 to the main winners, a £5 book token to Pat Thomas. The Tesco vouchers go in addition to Mae Scanlan for excellence. PS: The comp Top 20 will appear in the 16 February issue.

Is there honey still for tea?

"For you, sir, we have a choice of the Rupert Brooke accredited Skyros honey, or Bolivian sloppy honey made by wingless drones, or would you like to try this week's special, the "taste once" honey made by the notorious killer bees of Sansepolcro . . ."

"But . . ."

"No, sir, no English honey. There are no bees."

John Purkis

Who is Sylvia? What is she?

I have several albums of photographs if you're really interested in seeing what she is like. She's very clever and so good-natured. And there's something almost holy about the way she gazes at people with her soulful brown eyes. See this smart new coat. This is for her. She was much admired in the one I made her last winter. Everyone loves her. I don't know what we'd do if we lost her. Of course, she has her name on her collar. Look. Sylvia Summerson. And she is electronically tagged, of course. She may be just a mongrel bitch of indeterminate parentage, but she's beautiful in her own way.

Alanna Blake

Could we have some butter for the royal slice of bread?

A claim for expenses of such a trivial nature, particularly in the current economic climate, raises serious questions about the value for money being delivered through the civil list. It is particularly unfortunate that the claimant should see fit to be seeking recompense for using a product so high in polyunsaturates and cholesterol when government policy is seeking to address the growing problem of obesity in the nation's children. It is also worth observing that the heir to the throne owns vast tracts of the south-west on which he must be raising at least one organic dairy herd of his own.

I fear that this claim must be rejected and I would recommend an early review of the costs of maintaining the royal households.

Liam Kenson

Wherefore stoppeth thou me?

Sir, not to put too fine a point on it, you were travelling at 90 miles an hour in a 50-mile-an-hour zone. You were weaving all over the roadway, which causes me to believe you've been lifting a few at your favourite watering spot. Those of us in law enforcement take a dim view of devil-may-care chaps getting behind the wheel after these sorts of frivolities. Now if you'll just hand me your auto registration and then step over here, I will ask you to breathe into this little apparatus.

Mae Scanlan

Is there honey still for tea?

What makes you think there's tea?

Pat Thomas

No 4062 Take a meteor shower

We'd like revised titles of famous poems which sum them up so exactly that there's no real need for the poems themselves.

As many as you like by 5 February

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk