All the gossip from the Westminster Village
Braying Tories have turned Westminster into a donkey sanctuary, all tails up after the triumph in London of Bor-arse the Mayor. Labour MPs have conceded the corridors, standing aside as Druggie Dave's conquering chaps march seven feet high. Pride goes before a fall, of course, so I bring you news of an embarrassing personal issue vexing Dave. The Tory toff has, I hear, a sweat issue. Clammy Cameron's perspiration apparently outshines his inspiration, making him a political wet. Gordon Brown doesn't noticeably sweat, presumably because he's not considered human. Maybe desperate Uncle Gordie, a keen student of US politics who will recall how JFK beat dripping Dickie Nixon in 1960, should challenge Druggie Dave to a TV debate, a long debate, under intolerably bright lights.
Cups rattled in their saucers during a tearoom eruption by the pugilist-turned-book plugger John Prescott. The Samuel Pepys of new Labour, who describes Uncle Gordie in his memoirs as a "bloody volcano", by all accounts performed a passable impression of Krakatoa. The cause of his molten ire was Bendy Wendy's Highland Fling: my snout was awakened from slumber by Mr Pepys shouting that the PM must either sack her or, pulling no punches, resign himself over the Scottish referendum jinks.
Spied looking distinctly sheepish as he stacked shelves at the Crewe branch of Tesco was the Work Harder Minister, young James "I'm a Contender" Purnell. Yet he's no Stakhanovite, unpacking a box of Dolmio pasta sauce and a few jars of Chicken Tonight before throwing in the price stickers. Manual labour may be too tough for Jim Boy, but he fancies his chances of the Labour leadership if Brown is crushed beneath a giant humble pie. Hired as a ghostwriter to burnish his credentials is this column's old favourite, the other Phil Collins. Yep, the very same "Filthy Phil" who vowed to quit Labour if Uncle Gordie succeeded Tony Blair, then threw a monster strop when MP-hunting Bolton South-East resisted his charms. Happy days are here again.
Labour grumblers who view the BBC as a Conservative conspiracy cheekily suggested that the Tories made an honest man of Guto Harri by employing the former Beeb hack to mind Bor-arse. Mr Mayor's gaffe-catcher, however, may need a spin doctor of his own. My mole, sipping warm white wine as Harri waved goodbye to a lobbying firm, was intrigued to hear a Johnsonesque declaration that Tony Blair should have invaded Saudi Arabia instead of Iraq. Fair comment, in my book - but not, as far as I'm aware, official Tory policy.
Kevin Maguire is associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror
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