And the award goes to . . . Hunter Davies chooses his best in show for this season
So that's another season gone, which is what seasons do, otherwise they wouldn't be called seasons, they'd be called . . . Well, what would they be called? Permanents, constants? You tell me, you're clever. Meanwhile, let's get this season sorted.
Best Player: Cristiano Ronaldo, by common consent, for his performances, for entertaining us, for his goals. But it has to be said that this season he's been in a team without a centre-forward, ie, a player whose job it is to play up front and score goals. Louis Saha has been injured most of the time, and pretty useless when fit. Wayne Rooney is not a centre-forward, though he does his best.
If Ruud van Nistelrooy had still been at Man United, would Ronaldo have scored as many goals? Unlikely. Also, he's been amazingly fortunate with his fitness - he doesn't seem to get injured, unlike Rooney and Saha, yet every thug has been trying to thump him all season. So it's been brilliance, plus luck.
Best Haircut: There was a brief moment when Steven Pienaar of Everton looked like winning it when he appeared with two pigtails - one would have counted as a ponytail and been acceptable - but after a couple of games, he chickened out. Dressing-room ridicule got to him. Theo Walcott's adolescent sideburns are sweet, but sorry, don't win the coconut. So, no best haircut this season.
Best Team: At their height, which was quite often, early doors, Arsenal were terrific, a joy to watch, best in show. Then it all went wrong. I don't think it's just that Arsène Wenger won't buy big, preferring to raise plants in his own hothouse, but that he keeps on buying the same seedlings - thin, wiry, balletic, artistic, sensitive. He needs something more rough, tough, thuggish, especially in midfield. Not necessarily big, but strong mentally, a Roy Keane figure, to kick ass, to dominate - his own team and the opposition.
Possibly the Best Achievement: Man United and Chelsea done good, and it is great having two English clubs in the Euro final, but come on, so they should be, with all that wealth, all that talent. Instead, the prize should go to Carlisle United. Well, it is my awards ceremony. They've been promoted twice in succession, from non-League to League One, and could get promoted again if they win the play-offs for a place in the Championship - with no stars, no mega-crowds, unlike Notts Forest and Leeds. I hope they do, as weeks ago they announced a price freeze on next season's tickets. It could mean some fans watching the glamour clubs from the Championship, and three newly demoted Prem clubs, for as little as £12.20 a match.
Most Interesting Newcomer: Fabio Capello. Actually, delete interesting. He doesn't speak English, hasn't made England any better and said he was pleased when England were utterly dreary. Make that "Most Boring Newcomer".
Nicest, cleanest song: "Goodnight Irene", which was suddenly heard on national telly during Bristol Rovers' cup run. Awful, soppy song, but ah, what memories. I felt about a hundred.
Best Quote from TV Commentator: "That's Barnsley going forward in a nutshell" - Mark Lawrenson, BBC.
Most Annoying Quote: Andy Gray's new habit of going "hmm" when he can't think of anything to say. Or is he sucking a sweetie?
Best Thing to Look Forward to: Not having to worry about England injuries healing before Euro 2008. See you then . . .
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