We asked you for God's entry in Who's Who
Set by J Seery
Report by Ms de Meaner
First, hon menshes to all those whose one-liners appear in this report: "GOD; uneducated, unqualified, failed cook" (John Purkis); "Educ: Trinity College" (Bill Greenwell); "There are those who doubt or deny His existence but they are not on the board of directors of this publication" (Stephen Dudzik); "Publications: My True Story Parts 1-5, autobiog with Hunter Davies - Holy Ghostwriter" (David Silverman); "Recreation: ventriloquism" (Anne Du Croz); "Address: god@demon.net" (John Griffiths-Colby). £20 to each of the three winners, with the Tesco vouchers going in addition to Josh Ekroy.
GOD; Lord God of All Eternity; b. self-created, 14 billion BC; one s (illegitimate). Educ: at home. Freelance extraterrestrial baryogenesis development officer (14 billion BC - ); Adviser to Quark-Gluon Research Centres on a cross-multiverse basis, various dates; Lecturer in Theory of Quantum Gravitation, University of Cold, Dark Matter; Professor of Moral Sciences at University of Life, Babylon and others, 4004BC - 32AD; retired, 32AD - . Publications: Cosmic Inflation - A Beginner's Guide; Honey, I Shrank the Universe!; Planetary Life - Doncha Hate It?; Eat Death, Dinosaurs! Recreations: fingernail paring; humming; yawning; reading whodunnits; music - Britney Spears, Oasis.
Josh Ekroy
GOD; Chief Executive, World Holdings, since beginning of Time (Regd Trademark); one s (deceased). Sole Creator of family firm, encompassing Everything. Club: Mile High. Recreations: naming of animals, arboriculture, revelations. Address: c/o Eden.
D A Prince
GOD (first entry); aka Yahweh; Jehovah; The Word; Supreme, omnipresent Being, followed and revered by most of this world's people over centuries; said to have created the world, the universe, man and woman; two s. Absent from all above creations/children; whereabouts unknown. Residences: Heaven, the Vatican, Mecca, Jerusalem. Publications: Bible, Quran. Recreations: hide and seek, devil tormenting, plagues, pestilence, floods, earthquakes.
See also Adam; Jesus Christ
GOD (second entry); fictitious character (1143BC to 1951AD); appears in many ancient texts; declared dead in 1950s due to failure to appear at son's birthday; still revered by disillusioned people with no ability to act for themselves who think "prayer" to this God is answer to all man's ills. Resides: in minds of men.
See also Tooth fairy; Santa Claus
David Wheatley
No 4022 All in a name
Set by Leonora Casement
We want new words and their definitions that have entered the English language based on famous people's names. And the reason this can be set once a decade is that there are always lots of new names to choose from. In the 1990s we had: "Adie n: microphone used by television news reporters which adds sound effects of war" (from Katie Mallett); "Major v: to believe one may have passed an O-level in a given subject, ie, majored in home economics and geography" (Peter Alexander); and "Dalyell n: a wire-haired terrier" (Gerard Benson).
Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk
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