As reported in the Times. Due to the current financial crisis, City whizz-kids finding themselves out of a job are rushing to register as teachers. What might one hear if one eavesdropped on one of their lessons?

High-flyer to new recruit No 4056

Set by J Seery

Report by Ms de Meaner

Marvellous. Professor C Gilbert, a new entrant who teaches in a university economics department, advises students taking exams: "Put your main conclusion in the first sentence - it is unlikely that the examiner will read to the end of your answer" and "Only use technical terms with which the examiners will not be familiar. This maximises your mark potential without running risks of error." I shan't name the uni. Yet, brilliant as the advice is - and I think it is - I feel it could come from anyone, not just a City whizz-kid. £20 to the winners, and the Tesco vouchers, in addition, to Josh Ekroy. The lifted one-liners all get a £5 book token.

I'm talking chalk at 3p, 2p, 1.5p and it's flatlining so sell, sell and overhead projectors are up 10, 12, 13, 15, they're bucking the trend but the OHP in Form 5C is 16, 17 and they're buying, buy, buy you wankers, Bloggs or whatever your name is you can fuck off for lunch and it's pencil boxes, 3 points, 4, that's 2 per cent you're out of here and don't come back and it's whiteboards, whiteboards are up 3 points and desklids! Desk-lids are definitely up, and paper darts and are up too, loadsamoney, bells are ringing, can you hear them, too? I'm out of here anyone for poo in the staffroom, staffrooms are down, definitely down . . .

Josh Ekroy

Right, so let's try 1,212 minus 456. How do we go about this? Anyone? Right, I'll show you: six from two won't go, so we borrow ten from the next line. What the hell, let's borrow a few million. Sorry? When do we pay it back? Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. They've scrapped the Sats, so who's going to notice? Now, five from one won't go either, so let's borrow another couple of mill. Four from two - oh dear, let's borrow some more . . . Er, not as easy as it looks, this maths lark, is it? Anyone got a calculator?

David Silverman

OK, settle down. Economics. Today we'll cover "credit creation", right? Your nan slips off the dish and leaves you fifty grand. You bank the cash and it's the bank's liability; they can lend you 90 per cent of ten times their liabilities. So they can lend you £450,000, which then becomes their asset. You buy a gaff, right? Then the £450,000 is your liability. The person who sold you your gaff banks the money. Their bank can then lend out 90 per cent of ten times its liabilities, £4.05m, as new assets to more punters. Questions? Yes, Jade. Security? Yeah, I know it looks like the only real money is the 50K but the properties are worth more. What if they're not? Ha, ha, good one.

John Griffiths-Colby

Hello, boys and girls. I'm Mr Soros, your new GCSE economics teacher.

Harry Glenister

Would anyone like to comment on Silas Marner's financial situation?

Derek Morgan

It's an instructive story. A Christmas Carol is about a miserable investor who finds fulfilment through irresponsible spending.

Adrian Fry

No 4059 Is there honey still for tea?

Set by Grace Elegy

We'd like you to answer a famous literary question of your choice.

Max 125 words by 15 January

Email:comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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