You make my palate water No 4053

You make my palate water No 4053

Set by Brendan J O'Byrne

Report by Ms de Meaner

£15 each to the winners, a £5 book token for the singletons. The Tesco vouchers go to Steve Morley, who made me laugh. I don't know how many of these have been thought of already, but I'm trusting you all came up with them by yourselves!

Management consultant

With the project correctly specified as to parameters and incorporating the appropriately calibrated 360-degree feedback, the prognosis is that we could facilitate a mutually remunerative, ergonomically effective, emotional interface. I could, within an acceptable time frame, commission the requisite feasibility study prior to a pilot project.

Therapist

If you ever feel depressed, paranoid, suicidal, obese, bulimic, lethargic, hyperactive, have problems with anger management, self-image projection, fears of arrogance and false perception by others, lack of self-confidence or excessive euphoria, I could make it all so wonderful for you.

J Seery

Central banker

Can I offer you a bailout home?

Meteorologist

Hi! My name's El Niño.

John O'Byrne

Lehman Brothers banker

Your silk-lined, diamond-studded cardboard box or mine?

Sub-editor

Have I ever shown you my dangling participles?

Glyn Haggett

Premiership footballer

Hi, I'm a Premiership footballer. I earn 100K a week.

David Silverman

Footballer

I'd love to take a dive in your penalty area.

Care to join me for a Sunday roast?

Basil Ransome-Davies

Scaffolder

I could fall for you.

Receptionist in STD clinic

Do you come here often?

England cricketer

How nice to meet a girl who realises that money isn't everything.

Ian Birchall

Art collector

Fancy taking a look at my dead sheep in formaldehyde?

Ornithologist

How'd you like to come back to my place for a lark?

Futurologist

You will come back to my place.

Steve Morley

Dentist

Open wide.

John Griffiths-Colby

Pathologist

You're the hottest thing I've seen all day.

Adrian Fry

Banker

Could I lend you a penny for your thoughts?

Derek Morgan

Footballer

I'd love to dribble all over you.

Sid Field

No 4056 High-flyer to new recruit

As reported in the Times. Due to the current financial crisis, City whizz-kids finding themselves out of a job are rushing to register as teachers. What might one hear if one eavesdropped on a lesson?

Max 125 words by 4 December

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk