Set by Gavin Ross We all get spam emails supposedly from relatives of deposed dictators detailing their trials and tribulations, and offering large rewards in exchange for our bank details. We asked for similar spams from the supposed relatives of a British public figure of your choice - real or fictional, past or present

Help in my time of need No 4052

Hon menshes to Emma Hopkins for Russell Brand's cousin ("I am a simple man with no means to have sex with anybody's grand daughter") and Stephen Dudzik ("My husband, Stephen Hawking, needs your help to fill countless black holes he has discovered"). £20 to the winners. The best (Bill Greenwell) also gets the Tesco vouchers.

Dear UK resident, I am cousin of George Osborne and assistant to a discrete Russian businessman.

My boss has given my cousin a substantial sum for charitable purposes. But it is difficult to move funds from Russia. If George is to keep funds from oppressive grasp of the Russian authorities, he must pay to legitimate UK Trading Company. If you own such or have Account in your name then we seek only your Bank details. All you need to do is allow the money to pass through your Account and my sponsor will be happy to offer Handling Fee, to be paid to charity or offshore account of your choice.

Liam Kenson

Dear Friend! Greeting to you from Northfolk. I am obliged and delected to send you this epistle wishing you understand me. I am the lover-child of Major John, formally Priam Minister of the UKGB and Rutland, who was felled by a Landslide. As is his Will, I have huge Memoires of his; the which are salable (I have Publishers Letter's to confirmation these). But I have no excess to these being held in trust for my benefits by now defunct Cone Hotline Inc and only allowance Small Beer and Old-made Bycicle, and Box of Soaps. But SIR IF YOU SO KINDLY give me your Bank a/c details, consequently I will share in your FORTUNE, currantly siezed.

Sincerestly, Edwin A Barsted-Major-John

Bill Greenwell

Dear Mr Osborne, You will not have heard of me. But certainly you will have heard of my half Brother David Cameron. But, I am writing to you with an offer to give you £5 MILLION. Yes, this offer is only open as you promise to give these monies to the Tory Party. All I need is your bank account details. Sincerely, Oleg Cameron

Mike Berry

Best wishes Dear Sir/Ma, My name is Hamlet Shakespeare. I am negotiting for copywrite on my ancestors famous books. I have proof that William Shakspears grandson came here in Nigeria and married a past grandmother of mine. As a theater paytron and academy you will beware of the potential value of the works which I like to share you. Legal fees will be considerate so I am requesting initial deposit of $500 to insure yr share off the essential proceeds. If it pleases you please mail your cheque made to H Sagana to above adress. Please to write number of cheque card on back of cheque. Thankfully yrs, H Sagahakespere

Alanna Blake

No 4055 Performance anxiety

Set by Ian Birchall

Olympic gold medals can be withdrawn retrospectively if an athlete is found to have used drugs that enhanced their performance. Write a newspaper report on the grounds a fictional (or deceased!) Nobel Prize-winner for Literature/ Peace/Economics is to be similarly stripped of their title.

Max 125 words by 27 November

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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