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Uni on the soapbox No 4047

Published 09 October 2008

Press reports say Cambridge University thinks soap operas can help it shed its elitist image and has written to producers of EastEnders, Coronation Street and Emmerdale, etc, asking them to include a mention of the august institution in their storylines. We asked for some sample scripts Set by Brendan O'Byrne

Report by Ms de Meaner

Well done. £20 to the three winners, and a tenner to G M Davis for the excerpt. In addition, the Tesco vouchers for the best entry go to Michael Cregan.

Voice-over Coronation Street, sponsored by Cern, experts in making very little go a long way.

Title shots Cat with collar bearing the name "Schrödinger". Shot of the pub, "The Rowers Return".

Betty Hotpot as usual coming up, luv, just as you like it. I'll give it a few less degrees Kelvin int' freezer. [To Liz] By 'eck, since that knicker factory were taken over by those cryogenic or summat researcher types we've had some funny old faces in here.

Liz Yeh, never thought I'd see that Ena Sharples again. All over Albert Tatlock, she was.

Betty You're one to talk. Saw you at canal, 'elping Cambridge crew wi' stroke rate. By the time you'd finished, they were about coxless.

Liz I only went for the one. Anyroad, I were being groomed for MI6.

John Samson

Formal Hall at the Queen Vic

Benedic, Domine, nos et dona tua,

quae de largitate tua sumus sumpturi,

et concede, ut illis salubriter nutriti -

"I say, old boy, were you staring at my girlfriend's strawberries? Would you care to step outside into the quad . . . ?"

"Mea culpa, I must confess I was, and very nice they are, too. But take it easy, old boy, and finish your Pimm's. I'll get you another. Anyway what's got into you lately? You look like Achilles in Book One of the Iliad."

"Sorry, old chap, but it's all so frightfully gloomy. It's nothing but adultery, dysfunctional families, fisticuffs, incest, child abuse . . ."

"Well nobody made you choose the Shakespeare option . . . Another Veuve Clicquot and a packet of crisps, mine host . . . !"

David Silverman

Peggy So, is everyone enjoying their courses at Cambridge, then?

Pam Smashing, Peggy. You know, I think I might even have discovered the interface between the micro-world of quantum and the macro-world of relativity.

Bianca I think the English Romantic poets so relevant to today's world. Ricky-y-y-y-! . . .

Ricky Sorry, I was immersed in the Platonic Forms.

Ian I'm getting on fine with the economics course. Never thought I'd find Marx so interesting.

Phil Biology, with particular emphasis on the Darwinian model of natural selection, has opened my eyes to the natural world. I think I'll buy a budgie.

Peggy Good old Cambridge! Hey, I've just remembered! It's Kant's birthday! Come on - let's have a good old knees-up to celebrate . . .

Michael Cregan

Ken . . . things might have been different if I hadn't attended a provincial university. At least now disadvantaged kids can get into Cambridge.

Blanche They'll be letting all kinds of scum in, then.

G M Davis

No 4050 Who shall we pray for?

Set by Hank T Romein

We must all now have heard of the Church of England's "Rapid Response Prayer Unit". Could we eavesdrop on deliberations? It must have plenty to discuss at the moment.

Max 120 words by 23 October

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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