Set by Ian Birchall. We asked for Buckingham Palace’s reaction to any piece of royal news that the press had the temerity to write about, thus invading their privacy

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hon menshes to Ian Birchall (". . . the verdict finding the Duke of Edinburgh guilty of the murder of Princess Diana. While - technically - a criminal offence may have been committed, this is essentially a family dispute"); Keith Mason (the Queen's abdication); D A Prince (Buckingham Palace under water as a result of global warming); and Liam Kenson (the princes inflict missile attacks on each other). £20 to the winners, the best of whom (Bill Greenwell) also gets the vouchers.

Eaten by the pigs

Buckingham Palace refuses to confirm or deny that Her Majesty the Queen, the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall, Prince William and Prince Harry have been eaten alive by wild boar belonging to Highgrove's "Special Breeds" collection.

Wild boar are indigenous to Great Britain, giving off a distinctive, peppery scent. They are omnivorous, nocturnal, and fed on organic produce of the highest standard. An adult wild boar weighs over 225lbs (imperial measure), and is traditionally cooked in wine. It has a rich, gamey taste, which Duchy Originals recommends.

The Duke of York has authorised us to say that he will be taking a more active interest in wild boar. The PCC is reminded of its obligations about privacy.

Bill Greenwell

A death in the life

Reports of the death of HRH Queen Elizabeth II in recent days constitute a gross invasion of privacy. That the Queen has involuntarily embarked upon an indefinitely extended period of repose is entirely a private matter. It was in an attempt to guard against press intrusion that the family took the decision to sequester the Queen in a private chamber set aside, at private expense, against just this eventuality. The Queen remains committed to her role as symbolic representation of her nation and the Royal Family have dedicated themselves to facilitating this as readily as her subjects always have. Do not ask for interviews as refusal often offends.

Adrian Fry

No more palaces

Her Majesty the Queen wishes me to convey her extreme displeasure at the conduct of your journalists in revealing to the public the Royal Family's difficulties arising from the arson attacks which have razed Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle to the ground. There can be no excuse for making these events - essentially a family matter - available to the gawping multitude. Her Majesty wishes you to know that she planned to make the loss of these homes known at an appropriate time, possibly during her Christmas Address. No one was hurt, and we're all doing fine at Sandringham and Balmoral, thank you very much.

Gerard Benson

No 4047 Uni on the soapbox

Set by Brendan O'Byrne

According to press reports, Cambridge University wants to shed its elitist image and thinks soap operas can help. The university said it had written to producers of Britain's three leading soaps, EastEnders, Coronation Street and Emmerdale, encouraging them to include it in their storylines. We want some sample scripts.

Max 125 words by 25 September

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk

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