A sporting chance No 4045

A sporting chance No 4045

Report by Ms de Meaner

Hon menshes for: Umbrella Furling and Unfurling (Derek Morgan), Flat-Pack Heptathlon (Neil Rennick) and Marathon Queueing (David Silverman). The comp version of the Bad Sex in Fiction award goes to . . . Barry Baldwin for Speed Fellatio. £20 to the overall winner Keith Norman, plus Tesco vouchers. The rest get £15 each.

Tube Barrier Vault

The contestants enter and leave a London Underground station six times, following a designated route, each entrance and exit being effected by vaulting over the barriers. On completion of each vault, they will be fired at by police marksmen, each hit adding ten seconds to the athlete's time. Bulletproof vests will be worn by contestants at all times.

Synchronised Queuing

Contestants set off simultaneously from a series of points equidistant from a bus stop, at which, without pushing, pulling or physical contact of any kind, they will form a queue, with the twin objectives of securing a place nearest the front and gaining the protection of the shelter. Tactical positioning may be used. After one minute, sprinklers will be activated to simulate rain; after two, the bus will be deemed to have arrived. Points will be awarded for the order of boarding and deducted for being wet.

Keith Norman

Mobile Cycle Racing

Competitors follow the same route as the London stage of the Tour de France. However, the roads will not be closed to traffic and competitors are required to talk on their mobile phones throughout the event. Medals to all survivors.

Ian Birchall

Scrap Metal Challenge Contestants will be asked to gather scrap metal from around the course and place it in a skip at the end. The tasks involved will be: stripping lead from a roof, lifting drain covers from a road, pulling copper wire from its protective sheath, and removing the doors from a parked car. Any adulterated metal or substance found in the skip will result in the contestant being immediately disqualified.

Katie Mallett

400m School Run

Load three children, two Labradors and the au pair into 4x4, drive 400m through a road bump slalom, dropping the au pair at Carluccio's and the dogs at the vet's. The winner is the first to unload the kids on that zig-zag line at the school gates.

Keith Mason

Pavement Parking

Contestants must attempt the much-maligned art of parking a motor vehicle on a pavement in such a way that no part of the vehicle is in contact with the road surface. Artistic merit marks will be awarded for creative use of angles and for proximity to gateways, hedges and other obstacles, the primary objective being to prevent a notional pedestrian passing the vehicle on the pavement. Extra marks will be awarded for vehicles that leak engine oil or antifreeze on to the pavement surface.

G Haggett

We want actual answers to typical rhetorical questions (eg, Where have you been all my life? Why are you so stupid? Why me, Lord?).

As many as you like by 9 October

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk