Report by Ms de Meaner

An extraordinarily packed postbag this week. I lost count of how many of you sent in “Too many cooks spoil an evening’s television”, but it certainly sends a message to the TV schedulers. A £5 book token for the singletons; the rest get a tenner each. The overall winner, Godfrey Holmes, also gets the vouchers.

A fool and his money are with Northern Rock.

Michael Cregan

If at first you don't succeed, cheat.

Harry Glenister

Presents make the heart grow fonder.

He who laughs last has only just got the joke.

Ron Rubin

He who can does; he who can't is his boss.

Familiarity breeds indecent assault proceedings.

Ralph Pearce

Give him 2.5 centimetres and he'll take 1.8 kilometres.

Godfrey Holmes

All good things must come from John Lewis.

Still waters run freely from leaky pipes all over London.

Christmas comes but three months a year.

Jane O'Connor Creed

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Well, there used to be.

Gerard Benson

When in Rome, rob a tourist.

David Silverman

If the cap fits, insert it.

Richard Nye

Begin as you mean people to think you'll go on.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have a good line in bullshit.

Michael Brereton

You scratch my back and I'll stab you in the head.

Nigel Evans

Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.

Katie Mallett

Many are called, but few want new uPVC windows.

Bill Greenwell

A woman's place is in the boardroom.

J H Smith

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, as does his busy schedule of private patients, his important meetings, and Geoff at the squash club.

R Tuxford

A fool and his money are the minimum requirements for a hedge fund.

The customer is always an intrusion.

Adrian Fry

Pour oil on troubled waters? Not at today's prices.

Neither flesh nor fish nor fowl. Quorn, anyone?

Una McMorran

No 4039 You talk s***, Mervyn

Set by Gavin Ross

So . . . the PM is a fan of Ian Rankin and Raymond Chandler. We'd like excerpts from these authors, with Gordon as a hardbitten Rebus- or Marlowe-type figure as he deals with political crises in this credit-crunched, recession-jittery UK.

Max 125 words by 31 July

Email: comp@newstatesman.co.uk